–adjective
2.
disgraceful or scandalous: shameful treatment.
Shameful is that person that has done wrong to me and my son. I, myself, feel ashamed. I hid behind closed doors. I never told anyone what was really going on.....
6 years ago I got married. Slowly, I began to see a change in him. It became more apparent when I was pregnant. I'd ask him to please get me something from the kitchen (I was preggers with a giant kid), and all he did was say, "You get it, stop being lazy." I didn't know how to respond that, but to just try and get up and get it myself. I didn't want to fight, especially not since our first big fight. When I was one month pregnant, I was in strict bed rest and told that I would miscarry....so I tried my hardest to take care of myself. One night, he left his cell behind and I found out he has been "trying" to cheat on me. When I mean "trying" I mean, she didn't want anything to do with him because she knew he was married. He still insisted, day and night, behind my back. I felt so degraded. I felt like I wasn't enough for him. I suppose he got smart and decided to leave the cheating alone, but he still wasn't very supportive during my pregnancy.
When our son was born, I thought it would change him. It did.....for a bit. He deployed 2 weeks later and came back worse then ever. At that time our son was already 9 months old. One night, on our way to my parent's house he made a comment to me. A comment that I will never forget. "You know, I only said yes to having a family to shut you up." I was so shocked. I had only asked twice. I had only asked his opinion. He could have said no. Why didn't he say no? I thought that was the lowest he'd ever go, but I was wrong. He had more in stored for me.
One late night, a family issue came up. My brother was working, so I was asked to drive to my parents' home and give the bad news. So I wake up my husband and tell him. "Just be back an hour before I have to get up." That's all he said. Whatever, I didn't have time for that. Once I was able to calm my mom down (I might one day blog about this issue, but I am not ready to at this moment), I went home. It was maybe 4:30am. Once I got in bed I was finally letting myself cry. I tried crying quietly, but I still got yelled at. "Can you shut the fuck up so I can sleep?" Thanks for the support, hubby. The morning I got the dreaded phone call that my grandpa passed away (a month after the other terrible family issue), the ex asked what happened, I told him my grandpa just passed away and he rolled over in bed and asked, "does that mean I have to get up" and fell back asleep. That meant I couldn't be there for my mother until he decided to get up and watch our son.
Every morning I had to get up to feed our son. Every evening I cooked, cleaned and let him play video games, while my son and I just watched (there was only one t.v.). All I asked was for him to be more involved in our son's life, take out the trash (we lived on the third floor so it was hard on my back), and wash dishes (which is also hard on my back). I would get yelled at when I asked him to take out the trash or wash dishes. So, I would simply do them myself. Crying inside, but not wanting to fight. The one time I let him watch our son on his own, his own mother told me she heard him over the phone to "shut the fuck up". That was the last straw. I kicked his ass out and he went back to his home state, on the east coast.
We've been separated since then. 3 years ago this past June. Throughout these 3 years, we either fought, or got along. We either decided to try again or divorce. Finally, summer of 2010 I told him we can try again. Only simply because he showed to be a different guy. He seemed to care more every time my son and I made our yearly trip to the east coast.
He came out in December of this past year. Not one week of him being here, I found out he was begging another girl to take him back. His exact words were "If you tell me, I'll turn around and come be with you instead of my wife and son." Wow. Just fucking WOW! Our marriage was over then, but he had built a relationship with our son that I let him stay. After our big fight, we didn't bring it up again. I wanted our son to have his father around. He deserves that much. Slowly, I began to notice that instead of being a good loving father he was becoming an annoyed mean father. It got to so bad that our son, 4 years old, came up to me and asked, "Mommy, Dad no like me." I quickly asked why he said that. "Cuz he is mean to me." I didn't know what to say except that daddy was having a hard time and it didn't mean he doesn't love him, but that he simply need some daddy time. My son then said, "He doesn't like you too, cuz he's mean to you too." Now I really didn't have a respond to that. I gave his father another chance to redeem himself after talking to him, at least 5 times about this situation. All were unsuccessful.
We planned a driving trip to the east coast because one of his family members passed away. I thought to myself, "this is exactly what we all need. To get away from the negativity, focus on family, and maybe he will realize how lucky he is to have us. Maybe, just maybe, he will change."
A week after arriving there, I noticed his and his mother's (how use to be like my best friend) attitude completely changed. When I spoke, they looked like they wanted to punch me in the face. I felt awkward, so I would make a joke and they would role their eyes. They were very demanding and demeaning. I heard them talk behind my back. Calling me names. So I decided to work my ass off and try to win them over again. Why? Because I was stuck there another 3 weeks. I cleaned that house from top to bottom. Mopped, swept, recon the bathroom, vacuumed, dusted, cooked, and even tried mowing the lawn. Negative. Same ol' shit. The mental and emotional abuse became so bad that I would sneak phone calls home in the middle of the night. Crying to my mom, my aunt, my friends, anyone that would listen. They all told me to go home, but I wanted to be there for the memorial of the family member that passes since we were so close.
I survived the month and the drive back, but the things he would say to me and the tone he said it, just made my self esteem worse and worse. My depression hit a very low point. A day after getting back, I read a comment his mother left on my Facebook. I confronted my "husband" and finally asked why they hate me so much. What did I do to deserve all they and he had done? He simply replied with a smirk and said, "I have no remorse for what I did to you. Nothing." He fooled me into thinking he had changed for the better, but in reality he became worse. "I wish I knew you never changed before you came out. Would've saved a lot of heartache." He just just laughed and said, "But I didn't change. I lied. Hahahaha!"
When I asked why they hated me so much, he said their reasoning for hating me so much was because I couldn't help out with money. They both know I cannot work because I was awaiting to hear about my bi-level spinal fusion. How am I suppose to look for a job when I don't know if I am getting surgery? Second, whenever I did get money whether it be a gift or for school, I always used it for the family. Food, gas, our insurance, and even food for our trip to the east coast. The second reason they hate me so much is because I don't help enough with cleaning and such. I'm sorry, I thought they knew about my back issue? Did they not notice how clean the house would be every fucking single day? My fairy godmother didn't do that...I did. As much as it killed me to do it, I did it. They would leave a mess, but I would clean it up. He claimed, I barely mopped one tile. Fuck that, I swept and moped the whole kitchen, cleaned counters and threw out the crap they would leave out. His mother would leave trash all over the kitchen, "but that's her house she can do what she wants," right she can...but who cleaned that shit up? I did. Enough is enough.
I felt so ashamed, that our marriage was a sham. Everyone thought we were a happy couple, but that was just the mask we wore. I was too ashamed to let people, friends, family know that I put myself in that position once again. That I got played once again.
I kicked him out. Our previous plan was that he would stay around the area so he could keep a relationship with our son. Two days after I kicked him out, he picked up his stuff, and left back to the east coast. Not even an explanation or a goodbye to our son. He left that job to me.
How do you explain to a 4 year old that his father left, and didn't say goodbye?
At first, he didn't care. His demeanor has changed. He was no longer throwing tantrums, he was more affectionate with me and my family. He seemed to be happier.
One night, I realized that his father leaving left him traumatized, when he held my hand during bed time and said in a very quiet voice, "please, don't ever leave me, Mommy." It broke my heart. I told him I would never ever leave him. No matter what. I listed everyone he knows and told him that they all love him and will never leave him. Once he fell asleep, I went running to my mom and just cried. His father and his other grandmother could say and do whatever they want with me, I'm a big girl, I can take it, but you DO NOT mess with my child! He did nothing wrong.
Every once in a while, he'll ask why his father left, and I would explain that he simply missed his family and he went back home. So far, he is satisfied with that answer, but I knew in the future he will want the truth. Till then, I will stick with what works for now.
I still cry once in a while when I think about my son's question to me. How could his father do that to him? How could he leave him thinking that now everyone will leave him?? My poor baby doesn't deserve that.
So I filed for legal separation, since his father believes we only should get $140 a month. Not if I have something to say about it...well the courts too.
I filed for legal separation because he doesn't deserve to have any physical custody. He abandoned his son twice. I won't let him hurt my son anymore.
As my son is slowly relearning to trust his loved once, I am slowly finding myself and regaining my self esteem. It's been a hard process, since it was the worst abuse we ever had to deal with. My ex did so much damage in only six months. I no longer plan on taking my son and myself to our annual trip to the east coast. I feel bad for the family members that were good to us, but sometimes innocent people pay for other people's mistakes. I don't wish anything upon my ex and his mother. Justice and karma will take care of them for us. I just hope they are able to live with themselves and sleep well at night. Guilt can be a bitch. Being shameful can become a nightmare.
I'm not shameful, and no longer ashamed. If you are going through abuse in your relationship, don't feel ashamed and keep it to yourself. Seek help. Talk to someone you trust and finally, get the strength to leave.
I'm not shameful, and no longer ashamed. If you are going through abuse in your relationship, don't feel ashamed and keep it to yourself. Seek help. Talk to someone you trust and finally, get the strength to leave.
