So, I've been meaning to blog since this past Wednesday. So much has been going on, that I, myself, have to still take it all in. Just thinking about this past week makes me want to cry. It's been incredibly hard, confusing, frustrating, joyous, and irritating. I suppose I should start with the beginning....
I have been trying to get to the court house all week, but they were always too busy. I wanted to finish my legal separation papers. So, I was getting frustrated....and to make it worse, school's financial aid still haven't reviewed my aid papers, so of course....no money = no books. I was really freaking out because I thought I start tomorrow, but looks like that's a negative now, or at least I think it is. I'll triple check.
So anyways, I spent all day at the court house on Wednesday. Finally, I got all the paper work done and now I just need the mailed signed papers, then I will be legally separated. I'm just glad they are making my ex pay the right amount of child support. That gives me some relieve. So, during their lunch I headed to VC to check on my aid. I listened to Buble's "Feeling Good" over and over again with a huge smile on my face. When I left the court house after my last filing later that day, I could do is listen to Alkaline Trio's "Radio", "Over and Out", "Good Fucking Bye", and "Time to Waste". Not to mention to some Incubus and Atreyu (duh!). I didn't know why I listened to these songs, nor why I actually held back tears all the way home. Once I got home, I let it all out. I asked my mom for a hug and I just cried. I cried so much I had to take my anxiety meds to calm me down. I still didn't understand why I was crying. He treated us so badly. I begged for all this to be over. So why am I crying? I know now why I cried so much and why it still bothers me. I'm finally able to close that chapter in my life. I did it all on my own. No lawyer, no money, just me. All me. Over 3 yrs of saying I would file, but never did. I finally did. I know the chapter will be fully closed once I get those filed papers in the mail signed by the judge. It just made it feel all that real. I had to relive it all again. That was the toughest day thru this whole process. Even tougher then kicking him out.
Luckily, I had a friend that took me out to the fair later that day. If it wasn't for that outing, I probably would've gone insane. I would've been a mess and I didn't want my son to witness me like that.
The rest of the week I frustrated over money. I'm completely broke, so I recycled cans, changed in my coins I was saving, cashed some bonds I had gotten (secretly) a while ago. My son has his bonds from his father's mother, but I did not dare touch those. So now, I am looking to sell or pawn my jewelry. I'm ready to let go of my wedding band and the neckless he got me for our anniversary. There's no need to keep them any longer. Time to let go....
Without yet selling my jewelry, I was able to take my son to the LA Zoo (thanks to free tickets). He made a new little friend and I got to spend time with an old friend. The weekend is ending on a weird note. I have this huge ball of emotions stuck in my chest. I want to cry, laugh, smile, scream, yell, everything. I feel confused, depressed, happy, used, wanted, needed, and just I dunno.......I am losing my mind. I have no idea what to do, and no one to talk to. No one could understand.
More then anything I feel numb. I feel all this on the inside, but for some reason, I am just plain numb. Atreyu couldn't have said it better for how I feel right now: "This Flesh A Tomb", because my flesh IS my tomb.
