A Song For The Optimists

Aside from my daily and new pain today, I had a pretty good day. My financial aid was processed and I should be getting my money soon. That's gonna help me and my son out soooooooooo much! I also plan on saving a some. Can't be living life wondering how I am gonna pay for gas and insurance anymore! Went to LA for our business trip, got home early, and took a nap (my pain was quite bad so I had to take my meds). Did I mention that I'm the Dog Whisperer?? 

This past weekend, a poor little shih tzu puppy has been running around my neighborhood. I thought these other kids took her home so I didn't worry much. Today I noticed my neighbor's son trying to get her. He even used dog treats, but the cutie just ran away from him. So I busted out my animal loving skills and she came to me right away. No hesitation. I fell in love with her big black eyes. I really wish I could have kept her, but I gave her to my neighbor. I can't afford another family member :( Plus, I know for a fact that my neighbors love their pets to the max and she will be loved there. I did warn them to NOT take her to the pound because she could be killed if not adopted or claimed in 2-4 weeks. I gave them the info for the local humane society. I also said if they didn't or couldn't keep her, to let me know and I could help find a new home for her. I'm feeling quite happy for helping that poor helpless puppy. 

I once promised myself that if I could help an animal in need, then I would do my best to help. Luckily, I know many local help centers for lost or hurt animals. 

So, aside from that, I'm just feeling content for once. Certain people in my life have helped make me feel this way too. I'm very thankful to have them in my life. Well, I need to stop blogging because the new Jersey Shore is on! Ha!

As The Line Between Machinery And Humanity Blurs

I thank everyone for their support, and for others that don't understand, if you read my older blogs I always mention that I know I am not the only one with problems. I know others have their problems, some worse. I never once said my problems were the worst out there. I always manage to get thru my tough times too. After 4 yrs of nothing but bad luck and a shitty life, I keep pushing through. I'm a full time single mother, in pain 24/7 and going to school. What do I do?? I keep doing what I have to do to get by and have a better future for my son and I. Every morning I wake up, migraine or not, and do what I gotta do to make things better. I may have a shitty day, but you know what?? I may blog about it, and if you don't appreciate what I have to say, then don't read it. Simple as that. I don't let life take me down. I keep on doing what I do and find ways to manage. So to the person that left the comment on my last post, please read the older posts....read the whole post. Why? You will see that I don't give up. I don't pity myself. I have a shitty life, and I deal with it. My blog is one way of dealing. It lets me vent. Just as I am venting about the comment. Safe to assume when you don't know me. By the way, I got my books....all of them (most of which have special programs thus I couldn't borrow from the library.) Oh, did I mention that my school isn't next door so going back and forth from the library would cost more than the book is worth??? I look at the big picture, not just that moment. Thanks for your comment though....

Someone's Standing On My Chest

Oh man, oh man! So much is going on that I feel like losing my mind. My stress rash has started up (YAY!), and panic attacks are very near. Anxiety is so crazy right now. Crazy how some of life's moments can do this to me. 

So I start school tomorrow. No biggie, since I've been in school, right? Wrong. Very, very wrong! I've been doing school online from VC and OC. Why? Because my anxiety has been keeping me from going on campus. So much so that this year has been the first year I actually been on campus to deal with my major and books. Weird huh? I suppose I am weird. Not only do I start my first on campus class tomorrow (aside from two others online), I still haven't been able to come up with enough money to buy my books. School has still managed to fuck up my financial aid, so, tomorrow I get to go earlier then my class, go to financial aid for the 5th time this semester and fix their mistakes, bookstore, orientation for one of my online class, and then my first on campus class. That is why my stress level and anxiety level are soooooo high right now. I literally feel like someone is standing on my chest! My stress rash doesn't help. It's so damn itchy that I can't help but scratch it. You might think that is not enough to make someone so nervous, and maybe you are right....so what else is going on?

My son starts preschool next week. I know it'll give me a lot more time to do my homework (my on campus class is in the evening and only twice a week), but I cannot help and feel so emotional. Now, you may justify my anxiety and stress. First day of school for my baby. I cannot believe he is getting so big, so fast! Another first I get to add to his book. So crazy to think about it. I know I'm going to cry, and he will probably go run to his new classmates and not care. Hahahaha. He loves being around other kids. Although I know he will be fine, I cannot help but feel very very worried he will cry. I doubt it though. He is super excited about starting school anyways.

So you can imagine, with all this going on, my anxiety and stress on the brink of doing major damage to me. Panic attacks are about to start. I hate those. I get really bad panic attacks, and the last thing I can do is take a pill during the day when I know I have to drive around. No bueno. My emotions are like a freaking roller coaster right now. Happy, sad, mad, worried, stressed.....etc. It is crazy. I'm gonna lose it. I know I am. Only thing keeping me sane right now is the birthday party we will be going to soon. Oh, did I mention I have no gas or money to get to and from school? So much to worry about! So much! It has to get better. It just has to. Otherwise, what's the point? Right? 

I really hope it all turns out alright, but I doubt it. With my luck, it'll probably get worse. I just know it.......I suppose this is where I say FML major!

Lip Gloss and Black

If I gave you pretty enough words.
Could you paint a picture of us that works.
An emphasis on function rather than design.
Aren't you tired cause I will carry you, on a broken back
And blown out knees, I have been where you are for a while..
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream. All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night. every evening that I die.
I am exhumed just a little less human and a lot more bitter and cold.
I am exhumed.. just a little less human....
a lot more bitter and cold.. After all these images of pain, have cut right through you,
I will kiss every scar, and weep you are not alone...
Then I'll show you that place in my chest where my heart still tries to beat, it sets us apart.
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream. All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night. every evening that I die
Live love burn die

Video Link:

http://youtu.be/OtBKUKmWvhA

  

You may have or may have not noticed already that  my blog titles consist of Atreyu song titles. This time, I had to post the lyrics because it is such an amazing song that speaks to me, especially on a day like today. I also added the link the the video just because I think you should really listen to this song while reading the lyrics. It's beautiful, in it's own way. Just like we are all beautiful in our own way. So anyway, time to get everything I'm holding in, out. 

I was asked by my mom today why I sometimes seem so depressed or angry. Of course, I could explain to her why a million times, but I know she will never understand. Although, I decided I will explain to her just as I will explain to you, my reader. 

I know there are many people suffering worse then I am, but it doesn't mean that my pain is less significant. No one's pain is less important. 

4 yrs ago, two days before my son's 1st birthday, my dad was taken away. I'm not ready to write about this whole situation, but the short version is that he has been gone that long. He is my role model. We were very close. As bad as that is already, it had to be two days before my son's birthday. One month after that, my grandpa passed away.....and just days after his funeral, my ex-husband asks for a divorce. That's a lot to take on in just a couple of months. Since then, I've had nothing but bad news. I had two more loved ones pass away, SSA denied my disability, I can't work, and all the lovely news about my back. 

I kept pushing forward though. Helping my mom, being a mom, going to school, trying to be there for everyone and just try to be happy. Life kept pushing me down. I kept pushing back. 

This past year after all the drama with my ex and other stuff, I became more bitter. Bitcher and less tolerant. I still put on a happy face and kept it all in. Why? Because I had faith still. I still had hope. The little bit I had...was stolen from me when the system decided to keep my dad away from his family. I lost it. How can someone cope when they feel as if they were robbed of their last piece of hope and faith?? My faith in humanity, in a greater power, in the system and in life in general was gone. 

For the past 4 yrs, life has been robbing every piece of faith and hope I had and I couldn't do much to keep it. I fought. I fought hard. I'm still fighting, but I feel as if it's a losing battle. I know there has to be some relieve soon. A break. Something good. 

I've experienced nothing but reasons to hate the world and life. Even people. I try not to. Every individual is different, so I give a bit of that trust I have left and it gets trampled. Of course. Best friends, family and strangers stab me in the back. All I wanted was my dad back. I prayed for my dad back. I didn't pray for my ex to return, nor pray for my back pain to go away. I prayed for my dad to come home. When I found out he wouldn't be able to come back, I said "Fuck it all" and became a bitter, jaded, angry person. 

That was before the drama with the ex. When that happened, I became even more bitter, jaded and angry. 

I don't want to be. I don't want these walls up. I remember when I was happy, and opened up to everyone that came into my life. I loved life. The only reason I do what I do now is for my son and my parents. My son needs me. My mom needs me. My dad needs me. I promised myself I would never ever let them down. 

If it wasn't for my son and my mom especially, I wouldn't be going to school. I wouldn't be going to my doctor appointments, getting mri's, tests, meds, injections. I wouldn't be fighting for what is fair and right. I wouldn't be giving people a chance to be part of my life either. I would just keep saying "Fuck it all" and maybe not even sitting here typing this blog. Why would I give a fuck? I wouldn't. But I do, so I do my hardest to make it better. Sometimes I have my days that I just want to punch a wall. Tell life, "fuck you!" Sometimes I just want to give up. 

After I explained this to my mom she said she hopes God helps me with my inner issues and I couldn't help but have smirk. How could I not? I feel betrayed by Him too. I know I shouldn't. Afterall, I have a healthy son that is going to school soon, I'm doing great in school and parents are also getting by. I should be glad, but some days, I forget the few good things I have going. Regardless, good day or bad, I still try my hardest. Regardless of all the people that have betrayed me and regardless of all the faith and hope that was stolen from me, I still give it my all. Like I always say....."Fuck it." Fuck you life, fuck you justice system, fuck you back stabbers, fuck you health, fuck you faith......fuck it all! If life wants to keep fucking with me, then please, go right ahead. I'm still gonna give it my all. Here's the middle finger life, cuz this is one bitch that isn't giving up. Even on the days I feel nothing but anger, depression and giving up, guess what? Fuck you. Fuck it. 

For everyone that has been a great support for me and my family, I give you major thanks. Also, major major thanks to my mom. We might bump heads sometimes, but if it wasn't for her, I dunno what would've happened to my son and I. I love everyone in our lives that are supportive, and I love everyone that bring nothing but good into our lives. 

Now with that said, yes, I am having one of those angry days. Maybe one day I will get over my anger, but for now, it's there and if you can't accept it, then bye. Otherwise, welcome to my Topsy turvy life. Hope you enjoy and have fun. 

"I am exhumed just a little less human and a lot more bitter and cold"...........but not forever. 

This Flesh A Tomb

So, I've been meaning to blog since this past Wednesday. So much has been going on, that I, myself, have to still take it all in. Just thinking about this past week makes me want to cry. It's been incredibly hard, confusing, frustrating, joyous, and irritating. I suppose I should start with the beginning....

I have been trying to get to the court house all week, but they were always too busy. I wanted to finish my legal separation papers. So, I was getting frustrated....and to make it worse, school's financial aid still haven't reviewed my aid papers, so of course....no money = no books. I was really freaking out because I thought I start tomorrow, but looks like that's a negative now, or at least I think it is. I'll triple check. 

So anyways, I spent all day at the court house on Wednesday. Finally, I got all the paper work done and now I just need the mailed signed papers, then I will be legally separated. I'm just glad they are making my ex pay the right amount of child support. That gives me some relieve. So, during their lunch I headed to VC to check on my aid. I listened to Buble's "Feeling Good" over and over again with a huge smile on my face. When I left the court house after my last filing later that day, I could do is listen to Alkaline Trio's "Radio", "Over and Out", "Good Fucking Bye", and "Time to Waste". Not to mention to some Incubus and Atreyu (duh!). I didn't know why I listened to these songs, nor why I actually held back tears all the way home. Once I got home, I let it all out. I asked my mom for a hug and I just cried. I cried so much I had to take my anxiety meds to calm me down. I still didn't understand why I was crying. He treated us so badly. I begged for all this to be over. So why am I crying? I know now why I cried so much and why it still bothers me. I'm finally able to close that chapter in my life. I did it all on my own. No lawyer, no money, just me. All me. Over 3 yrs of saying I would file, but never did. I finally did. I know the chapter will be fully closed once I get those filed papers in the mail signed by the judge. It just made it feel all that real. I had to relive it all again. That was the toughest day thru this whole process. Even tougher then kicking him out. 

Luckily, I had a friend that took me out to the fair later that day. If it wasn't for that outing, I probably would've gone insane. I would've been a mess and I didn't want my son to witness me like that. 

The rest of the week I frustrated over money. I'm completely broke, so I recycled cans, changed in my coins I was saving, cashed some bonds I had gotten (secretly) a while ago. My son has his bonds from his father's mother, but I did not dare touch those. So now, I am looking to sell or pawn my jewelry. I'm ready to let go of my wedding band and the neckless he got me for our anniversary. There's no need to keep them any longer. Time to let go....

Without yet selling my jewelry, I was able to take my son to the LA Zoo (thanks to free tickets). He made a new little friend and I got to spend time with an old friend. The weekend is ending on a weird note. I have this huge ball of emotions stuck in my chest. I want to cry, laugh, smile, scream, yell, everything. I feel confused, depressed, happy, used, wanted, needed, and just I dunno.......I am losing my mind. I have no idea what to do, and no one to talk to. No one could understand.

More then anything I feel numb. I feel all this on the inside, but for some reason, I am just plain numb. Atreyu couldn't have said it better for how I feel right now: "This Flesh A Tomb", because my flesh IS my tomb.

My Sanity On The Funeral Pyre

I really do try my best to keep a level head and not let anything keep me down, but it is hard when life will just not give me a break. It's been 4 years of misfortune and unhappiness. I have good days, when I feel optimistic and ready for a new chapter in my life. Then, it feels like life slaps me in the face with reality. 

Time after time, just when it seems like everything seems to be going well, BAM! Some crap has to ruin it all. I'm sure it doesn't help that it is a bit harder on me because of the bipolar, anxiety, and depression. 

I was so ready to get my legal separation finalized, but I have to go back on Tuesday. Didn't know they only saw 40 people in one day....that's it, one day. WTF? It doesn't take that  long to help out with questions or paper work but whatever.

I've been waiting all month long for this day, and now they are making me wait 4 more days. Damn them. Not to mention my back is hurting so bad and I just got another set of health issues. Why??? 

I called my doctors, but of course, they are both closed on Fridays. 

I think the worst part of all this is the money issue. I can't work because of my back, and whatshisface only gives us $140 a month in what he calls "fair" child support when he clearly makes over 2 grand a month. Wonderful. So now how can I afford groceries, insurance, gas, school, phone, meds, dr appts, and other things my son and I need. I am super frustrated with life today. Major. I know I will be ok, and I will work something out, I always do. Not to sound cocky, but I've survived 4 years of bullshit, so I'm sure I can keep on surviving. Somehow.....

As much as I feel like giving up and hate life right now, I know it'll be ok...eventually. 

So for right now, FUCK YOU LIFE....but remember, tomorrow is another day, bitch!

Wait For You.....

or you can say that I "Haven't Met You Yet", either way, this is quickly becoming a lonely life. I have my family and my son, and I do love them very much (no one could ever replace them), but what about romantic love? 

I seem to have the worst luck even when it comes to romantic love. I tried dating around, but looks like those guys just wanted to sleep around. Whatever, they got nothing, but I got free dinner..ha! Then there are those guys you have an amazing time with and just out of the clear blue sky, they stop talking to you. No explanation, no bye. Well, fuck you too, buddy. There are also those guys, the ones that claim the saying, "nice guys finish last". They are amazing people nonetheless, but you cannot make your heart fall in love with someone. You have to let your heart fall in love on it's own. Which sucks, because I could really use one of those guys.  Then there are those guys that just seem too perfect to be true. Only one problem....

I use to be a hopeless romantic. I believed in love at first sight. I also fell head over heels quickly with these great guys, but all that led me to where I am now. Jaded. I am so over dating all the wrong guys that I'm just over looking. Or am I? I wish I was. I suppose deep down inside I am still a hopeless romantic, but I no longer believe it'll happen to me. 

I miss having someone to talk to and if I'm having a terrible day, they do something sweet to cheer me up. I miss cuddling up during a movie or a show and just talking about it afterwards. I miss having that special someone.

That first magical kiss, that sparks the relationship. I miss the butterflies you get before you see him or the 10 million outfits you try on out of nerves.  The first time you look into each others eyes and just completely be engulfed by who they are. I hugs, the kisses, the hand holding, and the sweet nothing you say to each other. I miss all that, but do I miss it enough to risk getting hurt again?

I've been hurt so many times.....damn me and my heart on my sleeve! I think it would be wonderful to have that special person, but logically it seems like it will never happen to me. I have bad luck in love. Always have. I'm cursed and/jinxed. Once I get excited over a boy (as much as I try to be cool about it, but fail miserably) it ends.  It's hard enough to keep a guy interested once they realize you are a single mother, and then when you tell them you are a FULL TIME single mother. Dating isn't the same. I just can't get away any time I choose, nor can I just bring my son along. I never let them meet my son until I know they are really committed. I don't want to confuse my son.....but that has yet to happen. With my luck, I should be searching for a gay so I can be a fag hag rather then search for love. I think I'll have better luck at that. 

They say everyone has their prince charming, so where is mine, and do I even want him to show up? I know I am ready to love again, but am I ready to risk getting hurt again? Am I? Is my sad, lonely romantic life worth me putting myself out there again? 

Since my separation 3 yrs ago (not counting the "tries"), I have only had one real relationship. It didn't end well. I'm not ready to talk about what happened yet, but since then I just cannot get over being hurt. I'm too tired of being lonely though. My heart was broke, put back together, but missing one piece.....do I chance it and let someone in? Or do I just pretend I am too busy for all that silly love nonsense? 

No, I'm 27 years old, and not getting any younger. I will not let my scars keep me from finding MY love. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy. I know I am worth that much. I know I have a lot to give too. Lots of love, support and company. I may be a single mom, a student, and sometimes too jaded, but I too get lonely. So, now what? I suppose, I'll just keep on living my life, and let life figure all that love shit out for me. If you're meant to be with me, then it will happen. If not, then I suppose I will one day find the one meant for me. Being lonely sucks, but it'll have to do for now...

By the way, doesn't it make it harder on someone who is so lonely that they have to witness lovebirds doing their thing in public?? I don't mean, fuck them, if anything ....CONGRATS!!! It must be amazing to have that person to hold on to, but it just makes my heart sting that much more.  If you have that special someone, don't forget to tell and show them how much you love them today and everyday. You're lucky to have each other. Also, do you have any awesome  cute single friends? :-p

(Please don't forget, this has nothing to do with my family and my son. This has nothing to do with being lonely all the time, but in fact being romantically lonely.) Is it true that "You're Nobody Till Someone Loves You?"  Well, meantime, I'll just Wait For You.....