Slow Burn

Although it's been over 10 yrs since being diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety, I still have an issue coming to terms that I will forever be on medication. It's easier for me to accept it when I'm on my medication and stable. As a matter of fact, I've been doing so well on my new "cocktail" that I haven't had the need to take anti-anxiety meds in over a month. Yeah, I was quite proud of myself.

It didn't last long.

If you've read my older posts, you'd know that my ex-husband failed to pay our insurance to keep Prime and so now I must pay larger co-pay amounts that I simply cannot afford. I haven't been able to see my psychiatrist, but it wasn't an issue until this past week and I finally ran out of my medication. (I've also ran out of my pain meds.) As you can imagine, I've been living each day on the brink of losing my mind. I was doing ok enough to think I might be able to last till this coming week, but today was my breaking point. All the stress, the frustration from my back pain and just everyday life finally broke me.

Of course it had to be my MS Access homework to send me over the edge! I felt myself losing it. I wanted to cry, yell, scream, pull my hair, drop to my knees. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't? I'm still struggling. 

It is so crazy to know that I cannot function properly if I am not on medication. It's scary. It makes me feel almost nonhuman. I've always known the importance of my medication, but I've always questioned it. It's just not fair. What made this worse is my back pain. I'm out of those medications too, and the pain has been unbearable.

Funny, I just keep on smiling and pretend like nothing is wrong to people around me. Finally told my mom that I have been out of meds for the past week. She was upset. I would be too, but I didn't do it on purpose. I'd rather be stable and on meds then off meds and unstable. Feeling like this is not ok. I feel trapped within myself, about to lose all sanity I have left. 

It's so sad.

I can't even do my homework.

I'm slowly losing my mind...

Love Is Illness

The beginning of this week I started to think about my love life and why I am without the love of my life. I started to blame myself. Do I not deserve to be loved? Am I not good enough for any guy or to be special to someone? What do I do wrong to fail in every relationship? I was feeling pretty damn pissed at myself. Why do I allow myself to fall head over heels so easily and why do I set myself up to be hurt?? I became the bitter jaded person I was months ago.

I realized something yesterday. What has happened was a blessing in disguise. It made me realize that nothing is wrong with me and if I haven't someone to be the love of my life isn't because I'm not good enough for anyone, but that they are not good enough for me. I am not ashamed to open myself up to someone I believe to be a potential love. I am a hopeless romantic, so what? I don't do anything wrong in a relationship, they are just not the ones for me. If I have to wait a lifetime to find the one, then I shouldn't feel bad because I know exactly what I need in man, and I know I have a lot of love to give. Being a hopeless romantic with tons of love to give makes me special. So now, I don't beat myself up over the fact that I am alone and I wake up every day with a smile on my face. You never know who will be captured with that smile. It's easier to be approached with a simple smile then giving out a bitter vibe. 

I do not regret any of my relationships. As much as it hurts to know that they ended and sometimes the way they ended, I will keep the good times in my thoughts. Why? Because I remember how happy those moments made me, and I know one day I will have that again. That is one of the many reasons why I will no longer fear dating or fear getting hurt again. 

Although I am no longer dwelling on the hurt, I have decided that I will no longer be looking for love. I will let love find me. Being 27 years old and not having that special one just means that it isn't my time yet. I will enjoy my life a day at a time and concentrate on my son, my goals, my health and my happiness. 

I deserve to be loved, but I will not be sad that I am on my own at this moment. He will come one day, and he will be exactly what I deserve. Being a single, 24/7 mom, dating is a whole different ball game and he needs to know that if he wants to be with me, I am a 2 for 1 deal. The special one would see that as a plus and not as baggage. 

I use to see love as an illness, but now I see it as a blessing.

Stop! Before It's Too Late And We've Destroyed It All

I've been dealing with an ongoing issue since my ex-husband abandoned my son. I don't care that he left me, since I was very unhappy being with him, but the fact that he just up and left back to the east coast without saying goodbye to his flesh and blood just pisses me off. The first time he abandoned him, my son was only a year old and didn't understand what was going on, but now, he's 4 years old and he knows more then anyone thinks. Sometimes I think he is too smart for his own good. 

This is a very touchy subject for me since it has to do with my son and his well being. As I am typing this, I am forced to relive every moment and cannot help but have tears roll down my cheeks. 

A few weeks ago my son's teacher called me during school hours and of course I panicked. She explained to me that she is very worried about his emotional and psychological state because he confessed to her several times that his father left him. She called because this time he refused to participate in class and cried when he told her about his father. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I even thought she might assume that I am a horrible mother. I explained to her the situation with his father. That he built a relationship with him for 6 months and just left. I also told her that I am trying everything I can to ease my son's pain by telling him that his father had to leave to help his mother and look for a job so he can send us money. Of course, that is all a lie, but my son is much too young to understand what really has and is happening. Plus, he doesn't need to feel like his father might not love him. I thought this wasn't an issue since my son hasn't talked to me about it, but I guess I was wrong. His teacher offered to put in a request to provide a type of therapy courtesy of the school district. She said they will go to the classroom, observe him, give the teacher helpful tools to help him surpass this obstacle and then they would come to our home and help me help my son. I agreed to this proposition. Not only for the sake of my son's grief, but also to provide the courts prove of what his father has done to him if he ever wants to fight custody. 

The reason I feel as a horrible mother is because as a mother/parent, we do everything possible to protect our children and yet, I could not protect him from the worst monster....his father. Not only that, but I had let him talk to him on the phone prior to this mess. I thought if his father wanted to talk to him and keep some communication open, then that might ease my son's pain. I guess I was wrong. I hate myself for that now. 

So since that incident, I haven't noticed it bothering my son any longer. In fact, his teacher wrote a note saying that he was a happy kid again. He even showed the class how to shuffle and kept singing, "Every day I'm shuffling..." Haha, only my son! That's the kid I know. I figured he will be fine, but still wanted to go ahead with therapy. 

There were a few times while waiting to get in class that my son would say to me, "So and so (not going to put names), has a dad....." and "look his dad is here with him". Again, I had to remind him his father left for good reason. 

This past Friday his teacher called me very concerned. My son refused to participate in any activity and was even acting out. He told his two teachers that he misses his father and wants him back home. She told me to go over right away and I did. She told me what happened that day, and I saw for myself that he wasn't acting like the good little boy I know he is. He was throwing books and even starting fights. That's not my son. He is a gentle and friendly boy. I was horrified and it broke my heart. This is very hard to blog about. I am trying hard not to cry, but failing miserably. The teacher told me she was going to call and ask the therapist to please see him asap. I tried to tell her that I am trying everything I can to keep my son from hurting, but there is so much I can do.....and I almost lost it, but recovered quickly because I didn't want to frighten my son or any other child. At that moment I really felt as if I failed my son. I felt like the worst mother ever. This is a problem I cannot fix on my own and felt helpless. My poor baby is suffering and I couldn't make him feel better by putting a Cars band aid on his booboo. How can I put a band aid on his heart?

I took him home early. The whole ride home was unbearable. I tried not to cry, and he was quiet. When we got him all he wanted to do was to be held by me. I sat down with him and my mom and explained once again that his father had to leave to help his mom and find a job to help us out. I reminded him that his father loves him very much, and one day he will feel better. At that moment my niece came out to play and he joined her. My mom and I stayed talking. She didn't help much. She blamed me for his pain. Said that I don't take him out enough to keep him busy, therefore not letting him dwell on the bad thoughts. Wow. Seriously? I do everything I can to have mommy and son time. I cannot take him out all the time because I am always broke since my ex barely gives us enough money to pay for gas and some food every month. I'm broke as soon as I get the money. I make it up by other means. Movie nights, reading, playing, homework time, anything. He enjoys watching movies on Netflix and am more then happy to abide, since we both love the same movies. We spend most Saturdays watching movies, make popcorn, lunch, dinner and more movies. He loves it. If he didn't, he would say so. Sundays we go out to help my mom at the swap meet. He loves that too. We go on walks and even let him pick out anything he wants as long as it is on our budget. He also loves helping my mom out. So, why does my own mother think that I am doing things wrong and ruining his life? Why am I a bad mother according to her? I'm already beating myself up over this and her words are only twisting the knife in my heart. I thought she would be supporting me and not putting me down. If she thinks I'm a bad mom, and I think I'm a bad mom....then maybe I am.....maybe I'm doing everything wrong. What am I suppose to do now?

My son had a good day today in school though. The teacher told me he participated in all the activities and was back to his normal self, but for how long until the next break down? Now I cringe every time I drop him off at school just to think he might have another episode. Is he ok? Is he hurting? What if he does this often, then how can I keep taking him to school? 

How do I fix this? How do I keep my baby from hurting?? I feel lost and helpless. I don't know what to do or say anymore. All I can do now is put on a happy face and make him feel special every single second. I remind him how much I love him and how much everyone he knows loves him. I name every single person so he knows we all love him and will never ever leave him. 

I know that seeing other kids with their fathers is a factor in all this. I also know that by not having that adult male role model is hindering his ability to trust any older males. His uncle that lives in this house pays little to no attention to him. He's lucky to even get a hello. My mother and I have talked to him about it. He is the only adult male around to help him, but it seems as if he too doesn't care. My uncle loves my son very much, but he cannot always be around and it's simply not the same. My father is incredibly frustrated that he cannot be here to help him. He knows that if he was here, my son would not be going through this problem, well at least not to this extent. 

I kicked my ex out of the house, and wanted our marriage to end, but never from our son's life. When I talked to him about this situation, he was quick to blame me. He had the option to stay. I told him from the beginning to stay for him. It was his decision to leave. Not mine. 

So now what do I do? How can I stop my son's hurting? I feel completely helpless. I don't know what to do anymore and I know I failed my baby. I couldn't protect him from his father's issues. Any advice? All are welcomed. I'm lost and could use the help. Thanks for reading my rant. I truly needed to vent.

Living Each Day Like You're Already Dead

Wowzers! It's been forever since I last posted. I've been soooo busy that I just couldn't find the time to post. I have a few updates for you guys.

First of all, school is going great for both myself and my son. I have A's in all 3 classes and my son loves being in school. I'm finally use to my son being gone and taking full advantage by getting ahead in my classes. Not a bad deal :) I no longer get anxiety when I go to my on campus class. I love it! I also finally found the guts to start convos with a few classmates. Totally helps my confidence! My son is also making new friends. He is no longer shy and prefers to play with other kids then being a loner. He even has a best friend....which just happens to be the cutest little girl in the class lol. They are inseparable. It's super cute. I love volunteering in his class too. I always have a little group of kids that follow me around. Makes me happy to be there and be admired by them. 

Although I still have a hard time accepting that a few of my loved ones are gone, I am coping much better. I miss them dearly, but learning to celebrate their lives rather then dwell on them being gone. 

I miss my dad tons, but hopefully we get to go visit him soon. I can't wait!

My family and a few friends have noticed a change in me. Even my dad commented on how I sound happy now. Well, I am! I still have those stressful moments that I might say, "FML".....but overall, I'm content. Especially since I've met people that make me happy. I find myself smiling all day and even catch myself day dreaming about happy thoughts, thanks to them. You know who you are ;-) I'm also weeding out the ones that start drama and only bring me down. I only need and want positive people in my life :)

The situation with my back is still in limbo. I've been getting epidurals, and lots of tests that only stress me out and frustrate me. I am tired of all this running around with my insurance, but I kinda see it as a sign that maybe the timing isn't best for me at this moment. I'm starting to accept it, but when I'm in tons of pain and need to take meds, well I get depressed. Fuck it, I still manage to get my shit done. I will be applying for disability again, and hopefully this time they won't decline. I'm starting to think the reason why my insurance decline my surgery and SSA decline my disability application is because of my age. Maybe they think I'm too young....which I completely agree on. Which again, is very frustrating. Oh well.

I really hope my luck and life have changed for the better as it seems like it has. I really do think I deserve some good in my life after the horrible past 3 1/2 yrs.

Oh and the most important thing I forgot to mention!!!!!!!! I AM OFFICIALLY LEGALLY SEPARATED!!!! Heck yeah!!!!! We still have to go thru the custody and support, but it all defaulted to my favor since he didn't pay his fees and was rejected. We talked and I told him that after everything he put us thru, the least he can do is just agree with everything I asked for and pay for Prime Tricare again(which I am being extremely fair about even tho he does not deserve it, buuuut I don't want to fight), . He agreed. We'll see if he goes thru with it. Let's hope he does!

I'm taking full advantage of my opportunities and making positive steps. I'm quite proud of myself and how far I've come so far. Life had made me it's bitch, but now I'm making life my bitch :-P "Living Each Day Like You're Already Dead"......but I prefer to think about living each day like I'm dying. 

Oh, I'm thinking about selling Scentsy for extra income....any advice??

I just gotta say that I love ya guys and appreciate that you take time to read my blog! Don't forget to leave comments and check out the ads!!! Here's to a new outlook on life!!! Cheers!

 

Five Vicodin Chased With A Shot Of Clarity

So, it's been a while since I posted. I've been incredibly busy with my classes. I knew I would be pretty busy for the Fall semester, but I didn't think  it would be this busy. I think the fact that my son just started school, may be the reason why I'm so busy. School is going good for the two of us. My son hasn't cried in school, and my anxiety goes away after the first 5 minutes of class. So far so good :) 

My health issues are still there, but I try not to let it hinder me...otherwise, I wouldn't be able to get anything done. I do beat myself up because I can't work. I would give anything for the opportunity to have a real job. Unfortunately, I'm unable to at this time. Kinda makes me feel like a failure. I know I shouldn't feel that way, because I never stop trying to be the best, but not being able to work def makes it harder. I finally had a new MRI done and a nerve test. I should be getting those results soon, especially because I will be getting another epidural soon....yay. 

I need to make time for more fun, but how can I have fun if I have no money? Damn gas prices! I can't complain much, I have def been having more fun lately. I'm even meeting new people from my class. Pretty awesome. I needed that. I needed to get out of the house.

There are other stuff going on too. Good and bad, but I think I'll save those details when things are more concrete. For now, I'm just enjoying being busy, enjoying my time with my son, enjoying my time with friends and enjoying school. I suppose I can't complain much :-p

A Song For The Optimists

Aside from my daily and new pain today, I had a pretty good day. My financial aid was processed and I should be getting my money soon. That's gonna help me and my son out soooooooooo much! I also plan on saving a some. Can't be living life wondering how I am gonna pay for gas and insurance anymore! Went to LA for our business trip, got home early, and took a nap (my pain was quite bad so I had to take my meds). Did I mention that I'm the Dog Whisperer?? 

This past weekend, a poor little shih tzu puppy has been running around my neighborhood. I thought these other kids took her home so I didn't worry much. Today I noticed my neighbor's son trying to get her. He even used dog treats, but the cutie just ran away from him. So I busted out my animal loving skills and she came to me right away. No hesitation. I fell in love with her big black eyes. I really wish I could have kept her, but I gave her to my neighbor. I can't afford another family member :( Plus, I know for a fact that my neighbors love their pets to the max and she will be loved there. I did warn them to NOT take her to the pound because she could be killed if not adopted or claimed in 2-4 weeks. I gave them the info for the local humane society. I also said if they didn't or couldn't keep her, to let me know and I could help find a new home for her. I'm feeling quite happy for helping that poor helpless puppy. 

I once promised myself that if I could help an animal in need, then I would do my best to help. Luckily, I know many local help centers for lost or hurt animals. 

So, aside from that, I'm just feeling content for once. Certain people in my life have helped make me feel this way too. I'm very thankful to have them in my life. Well, I need to stop blogging because the new Jersey Shore is on! Ha!

As The Line Between Machinery And Humanity Blurs

I thank everyone for their support, and for others that don't understand, if you read my older blogs I always mention that I know I am not the only one with problems. I know others have their problems, some worse. I never once said my problems were the worst out there. I always manage to get thru my tough times too. After 4 yrs of nothing but bad luck and a shitty life, I keep pushing through. I'm a full time single mother, in pain 24/7 and going to school. What do I do?? I keep doing what I have to do to get by and have a better future for my son and I. Every morning I wake up, migraine or not, and do what I gotta do to make things better. I may have a shitty day, but you know what?? I may blog about it, and if you don't appreciate what I have to say, then don't read it. Simple as that. I don't let life take me down. I keep on doing what I do and find ways to manage. So to the person that left the comment on my last post, please read the older posts....read the whole post. Why? You will see that I don't give up. I don't pity myself. I have a shitty life, and I deal with it. My blog is one way of dealing. It lets me vent. Just as I am venting about the comment. Safe to assume when you don't know me. By the way, I got my books....all of them (most of which have special programs thus I couldn't borrow from the library.) Oh, did I mention that my school isn't next door so going back and forth from the library would cost more than the book is worth??? I look at the big picture, not just that moment. Thanks for your comment though....

Someone's Standing On My Chest

Oh man, oh man! So much is going on that I feel like losing my mind. My stress rash has started up (YAY!), and panic attacks are very near. Anxiety is so crazy right now. Crazy how some of life's moments can do this to me. 

So I start school tomorrow. No biggie, since I've been in school, right? Wrong. Very, very wrong! I've been doing school online from VC and OC. Why? Because my anxiety has been keeping me from going on campus. So much so that this year has been the first year I actually been on campus to deal with my major and books. Weird huh? I suppose I am weird. Not only do I start my first on campus class tomorrow (aside from two others online), I still haven't been able to come up with enough money to buy my books. School has still managed to fuck up my financial aid, so, tomorrow I get to go earlier then my class, go to financial aid for the 5th time this semester and fix their mistakes, bookstore, orientation for one of my online class, and then my first on campus class. That is why my stress level and anxiety level are soooooo high right now. I literally feel like someone is standing on my chest! My stress rash doesn't help. It's so damn itchy that I can't help but scratch it. You might think that is not enough to make someone so nervous, and maybe you are right....so what else is going on?

My son starts preschool next week. I know it'll give me a lot more time to do my homework (my on campus class is in the evening and only twice a week), but I cannot help and feel so emotional. Now, you may justify my anxiety and stress. First day of school for my baby. I cannot believe he is getting so big, so fast! Another first I get to add to his book. So crazy to think about it. I know I'm going to cry, and he will probably go run to his new classmates and not care. Hahahaha. He loves being around other kids. Although I know he will be fine, I cannot help but feel very very worried he will cry. I doubt it though. He is super excited about starting school anyways.

So you can imagine, with all this going on, my anxiety and stress on the brink of doing major damage to me. Panic attacks are about to start. I hate those. I get really bad panic attacks, and the last thing I can do is take a pill during the day when I know I have to drive around. No bueno. My emotions are like a freaking roller coaster right now. Happy, sad, mad, worried, stressed.....etc. It is crazy. I'm gonna lose it. I know I am. Only thing keeping me sane right now is the birthday party we will be going to soon. Oh, did I mention I have no gas or money to get to and from school? So much to worry about! So much! It has to get better. It just has to. Otherwise, what's the point? Right? 

I really hope it all turns out alright, but I doubt it. With my luck, it'll probably get worse. I just know it.......I suppose this is where I say FML major!

Lip Gloss and Black

If I gave you pretty enough words.
Could you paint a picture of us that works.
An emphasis on function rather than design.
Aren't you tired cause I will carry you, on a broken back
And blown out knees, I have been where you are for a while..
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream. All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night. every evening that I die.
I am exhumed just a little less human and a lot more bitter and cold.
I am exhumed.. just a little less human....
a lot more bitter and cold.. After all these images of pain, have cut right through you,
I will kiss every scar, and weep you are not alone...
Then I'll show you that place in my chest where my heart still tries to beat, it sets us apart.
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream. All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night. every evening that I die
Live love burn die

Video Link:

http://youtu.be/OtBKUKmWvhA

  

You may have or may have not noticed already that  my blog titles consist of Atreyu song titles. This time, I had to post the lyrics because it is such an amazing song that speaks to me, especially on a day like today. I also added the link the the video just because I think you should really listen to this song while reading the lyrics. It's beautiful, in it's own way. Just like we are all beautiful in our own way. So anyway, time to get everything I'm holding in, out. 

I was asked by my mom today why I sometimes seem so depressed or angry. Of course, I could explain to her why a million times, but I know she will never understand. Although, I decided I will explain to her just as I will explain to you, my reader. 

I know there are many people suffering worse then I am, but it doesn't mean that my pain is less significant. No one's pain is less important. 

4 yrs ago, two days before my son's 1st birthday, my dad was taken away. I'm not ready to write about this whole situation, but the short version is that he has been gone that long. He is my role model. We were very close. As bad as that is already, it had to be two days before my son's birthday. One month after that, my grandpa passed away.....and just days after his funeral, my ex-husband asks for a divorce. That's a lot to take on in just a couple of months. Since then, I've had nothing but bad news. I had two more loved ones pass away, SSA denied my disability, I can't work, and all the lovely news about my back. 

I kept pushing forward though. Helping my mom, being a mom, going to school, trying to be there for everyone and just try to be happy. Life kept pushing me down. I kept pushing back. 

This past year after all the drama with my ex and other stuff, I became more bitter. Bitcher and less tolerant. I still put on a happy face and kept it all in. Why? Because I had faith still. I still had hope. The little bit I had...was stolen from me when the system decided to keep my dad away from his family. I lost it. How can someone cope when they feel as if they were robbed of their last piece of hope and faith?? My faith in humanity, in a greater power, in the system and in life in general was gone. 

For the past 4 yrs, life has been robbing every piece of faith and hope I had and I couldn't do much to keep it. I fought. I fought hard. I'm still fighting, but I feel as if it's a losing battle. I know there has to be some relieve soon. A break. Something good. 

I've experienced nothing but reasons to hate the world and life. Even people. I try not to. Every individual is different, so I give a bit of that trust I have left and it gets trampled. Of course. Best friends, family and strangers stab me in the back. All I wanted was my dad back. I prayed for my dad back. I didn't pray for my ex to return, nor pray for my back pain to go away. I prayed for my dad to come home. When I found out he wouldn't be able to come back, I said "Fuck it all" and became a bitter, jaded, angry person. 

That was before the drama with the ex. When that happened, I became even more bitter, jaded and angry. 

I don't want to be. I don't want these walls up. I remember when I was happy, and opened up to everyone that came into my life. I loved life. The only reason I do what I do now is for my son and my parents. My son needs me. My mom needs me. My dad needs me. I promised myself I would never ever let them down. 

If it wasn't for my son and my mom especially, I wouldn't be going to school. I wouldn't be going to my doctor appointments, getting mri's, tests, meds, injections. I wouldn't be fighting for what is fair and right. I wouldn't be giving people a chance to be part of my life either. I would just keep saying "Fuck it all" and maybe not even sitting here typing this blog. Why would I give a fuck? I wouldn't. But I do, so I do my hardest to make it better. Sometimes I have my days that I just want to punch a wall. Tell life, "fuck you!" Sometimes I just want to give up. 

After I explained this to my mom she said she hopes God helps me with my inner issues and I couldn't help but have smirk. How could I not? I feel betrayed by Him too. I know I shouldn't. Afterall, I have a healthy son that is going to school soon, I'm doing great in school and parents are also getting by. I should be glad, but some days, I forget the few good things I have going. Regardless, good day or bad, I still try my hardest. Regardless of all the people that have betrayed me and regardless of all the faith and hope that was stolen from me, I still give it my all. Like I always say....."Fuck it." Fuck you life, fuck you justice system, fuck you back stabbers, fuck you health, fuck you faith......fuck it all! If life wants to keep fucking with me, then please, go right ahead. I'm still gonna give it my all. Here's the middle finger life, cuz this is one bitch that isn't giving up. Even on the days I feel nothing but anger, depression and giving up, guess what? Fuck you. Fuck it. 

For everyone that has been a great support for me and my family, I give you major thanks. Also, major major thanks to my mom. We might bump heads sometimes, but if it wasn't for her, I dunno what would've happened to my son and I. I love everyone in our lives that are supportive, and I love everyone that bring nothing but good into our lives. 

Now with that said, yes, I am having one of those angry days. Maybe one day I will get over my anger, but for now, it's there and if you can't accept it, then bye. Otherwise, welcome to my Topsy turvy life. Hope you enjoy and have fun. 

"I am exhumed just a little less human and a lot more bitter and cold"...........but not forever. 

This Flesh A Tomb

So, I've been meaning to blog since this past Wednesday. So much has been going on, that I, myself, have to still take it all in. Just thinking about this past week makes me want to cry. It's been incredibly hard, confusing, frustrating, joyous, and irritating. I suppose I should start with the beginning....

I have been trying to get to the court house all week, but they were always too busy. I wanted to finish my legal separation papers. So, I was getting frustrated....and to make it worse, school's financial aid still haven't reviewed my aid papers, so of course....no money = no books. I was really freaking out because I thought I start tomorrow, but looks like that's a negative now, or at least I think it is. I'll triple check. 

So anyways, I spent all day at the court house on Wednesday. Finally, I got all the paper work done and now I just need the mailed signed papers, then I will be legally separated. I'm just glad they are making my ex pay the right amount of child support. That gives me some relieve. So, during their lunch I headed to VC to check on my aid. I listened to Buble's "Feeling Good" over and over again with a huge smile on my face. When I left the court house after my last filing later that day, I could do is listen to Alkaline Trio's "Radio", "Over and Out", "Good Fucking Bye", and "Time to Waste". Not to mention to some Incubus and Atreyu (duh!). I didn't know why I listened to these songs, nor why I actually held back tears all the way home. Once I got home, I let it all out. I asked my mom for a hug and I just cried. I cried so much I had to take my anxiety meds to calm me down. I still didn't understand why I was crying. He treated us so badly. I begged for all this to be over. So why am I crying? I know now why I cried so much and why it still bothers me. I'm finally able to close that chapter in my life. I did it all on my own. No lawyer, no money, just me. All me. Over 3 yrs of saying I would file, but never did. I finally did. I know the chapter will be fully closed once I get those filed papers in the mail signed by the judge. It just made it feel all that real. I had to relive it all again. That was the toughest day thru this whole process. Even tougher then kicking him out. 

Luckily, I had a friend that took me out to the fair later that day. If it wasn't for that outing, I probably would've gone insane. I would've been a mess and I didn't want my son to witness me like that. 

The rest of the week I frustrated over money. I'm completely broke, so I recycled cans, changed in my coins I was saving, cashed some bonds I had gotten (secretly) a while ago. My son has his bonds from his father's mother, but I did not dare touch those. So now, I am looking to sell or pawn my jewelry. I'm ready to let go of my wedding band and the neckless he got me for our anniversary. There's no need to keep them any longer. Time to let go....

Without yet selling my jewelry, I was able to take my son to the LA Zoo (thanks to free tickets). He made a new little friend and I got to spend time with an old friend. The weekend is ending on a weird note. I have this huge ball of emotions stuck in my chest. I want to cry, laugh, smile, scream, yell, everything. I feel confused, depressed, happy, used, wanted, needed, and just I dunno.......I am losing my mind. I have no idea what to do, and no one to talk to. No one could understand.

More then anything I feel numb. I feel all this on the inside, but for some reason, I am just plain numb. Atreyu couldn't have said it better for how I feel right now: "This Flesh A Tomb", because my flesh IS my tomb.

My Sanity On The Funeral Pyre

I really do try my best to keep a level head and not let anything keep me down, but it is hard when life will just not give me a break. It's been 4 years of misfortune and unhappiness. I have good days, when I feel optimistic and ready for a new chapter in my life. Then, it feels like life slaps me in the face with reality. 

Time after time, just when it seems like everything seems to be going well, BAM! Some crap has to ruin it all. I'm sure it doesn't help that it is a bit harder on me because of the bipolar, anxiety, and depression. 

I was so ready to get my legal separation finalized, but I have to go back on Tuesday. Didn't know they only saw 40 people in one day....that's it, one day. WTF? It doesn't take that  long to help out with questions or paper work but whatever.

I've been waiting all month long for this day, and now they are making me wait 4 more days. Damn them. Not to mention my back is hurting so bad and I just got another set of health issues. Why??? 

I called my doctors, but of course, they are both closed on Fridays. 

I think the worst part of all this is the money issue. I can't work because of my back, and whatshisface only gives us $140 a month in what he calls "fair" child support when he clearly makes over 2 grand a month. Wonderful. So now how can I afford groceries, insurance, gas, school, phone, meds, dr appts, and other things my son and I need. I am super frustrated with life today. Major. I know I will be ok, and I will work something out, I always do. Not to sound cocky, but I've survived 4 years of bullshit, so I'm sure I can keep on surviving. Somehow.....

As much as I feel like giving up and hate life right now, I know it'll be ok...eventually. 

So for right now, FUCK YOU LIFE....but remember, tomorrow is another day, bitch!

Wait For You.....

or you can say that I "Haven't Met You Yet", either way, this is quickly becoming a lonely life. I have my family and my son, and I do love them very much (no one could ever replace them), but what about romantic love? 

I seem to have the worst luck even when it comes to romantic love. I tried dating around, but looks like those guys just wanted to sleep around. Whatever, they got nothing, but I got free dinner..ha! Then there are those guys you have an amazing time with and just out of the clear blue sky, they stop talking to you. No explanation, no bye. Well, fuck you too, buddy. There are also those guys, the ones that claim the saying, "nice guys finish last". They are amazing people nonetheless, but you cannot make your heart fall in love with someone. You have to let your heart fall in love on it's own. Which sucks, because I could really use one of those guys.  Then there are those guys that just seem too perfect to be true. Only one problem....

I use to be a hopeless romantic. I believed in love at first sight. I also fell head over heels quickly with these great guys, but all that led me to where I am now. Jaded. I am so over dating all the wrong guys that I'm just over looking. Or am I? I wish I was. I suppose deep down inside I am still a hopeless romantic, but I no longer believe it'll happen to me. 

I miss having someone to talk to and if I'm having a terrible day, they do something sweet to cheer me up. I miss cuddling up during a movie or a show and just talking about it afterwards. I miss having that special someone.

That first magical kiss, that sparks the relationship. I miss the butterflies you get before you see him or the 10 million outfits you try on out of nerves.  The first time you look into each others eyes and just completely be engulfed by who they are. I hugs, the kisses, the hand holding, and the sweet nothing you say to each other. I miss all that, but do I miss it enough to risk getting hurt again?

I've been hurt so many times.....damn me and my heart on my sleeve! I think it would be wonderful to have that special person, but logically it seems like it will never happen to me. I have bad luck in love. Always have. I'm cursed and/jinxed. Once I get excited over a boy (as much as I try to be cool about it, but fail miserably) it ends.  It's hard enough to keep a guy interested once they realize you are a single mother, and then when you tell them you are a FULL TIME single mother. Dating isn't the same. I just can't get away any time I choose, nor can I just bring my son along. I never let them meet my son until I know they are really committed. I don't want to confuse my son.....but that has yet to happen. With my luck, I should be searching for a gay so I can be a fag hag rather then search for love. I think I'll have better luck at that. 

They say everyone has their prince charming, so where is mine, and do I even want him to show up? I know I am ready to love again, but am I ready to risk getting hurt again? Am I? Is my sad, lonely romantic life worth me putting myself out there again? 

Since my separation 3 yrs ago (not counting the "tries"), I have only had one real relationship. It didn't end well. I'm not ready to talk about what happened yet, but since then I just cannot get over being hurt. I'm too tired of being lonely though. My heart was broke, put back together, but missing one piece.....do I chance it and let someone in? Or do I just pretend I am too busy for all that silly love nonsense? 

No, I'm 27 years old, and not getting any younger. I will not let my scars keep me from finding MY love. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy. I know I am worth that much. I know I have a lot to give too. Lots of love, support and company. I may be a single mom, a student, and sometimes too jaded, but I too get lonely. So, now what? I suppose, I'll just keep on living my life, and let life figure all that love shit out for me. If you're meant to be with me, then it will happen. If not, then I suppose I will one day find the one meant for me. Being lonely sucks, but it'll have to do for now...

By the way, doesn't it make it harder on someone who is so lonely that they have to witness lovebirds doing their thing in public?? I don't mean, fuck them, if anything ....CONGRATS!!! It must be amazing to have that person to hold on to, but it just makes my heart sting that much more.  If you have that special someone, don't forget to tell and show them how much you love them today and everyday. You're lucky to have each other. Also, do you have any awesome  cute single friends? :-p

(Please don't forget, this has nothing to do with my family and my son. This has nothing to do with being lonely all the time, but in fact being romantically lonely.) Is it true that "You're Nobody Till Someone Loves You?"  Well, meantime, I'll just Wait For You.....

Shameful

Shameful.....what does it mean?

–adjective

1.

causing shame: shameful behavior.

2.

disgraceful or scandalous: shameful treatment.

Shameful is that person that has done wrong to me and my son. I, myself, feel ashamed. I hid behind closed doors. I never told anyone what was really going on.....

6 years ago I got married. Slowly, I began to see a change in him. It became more apparent when I was pregnant. I'd ask him to please get me something from the kitchen (I was preggers with a giant kid), and all he did was say, "You get it, stop being lazy." I didn't know how to respond that, but to just try and get up and get it myself. I didn't want to fight, especially not since our first big fight. When I was one month pregnant, I was in strict bed rest and told that I would miscarry....so I tried my hardest to take care of myself. One night, he left his cell behind and I found out he has been "trying" to cheat on me. When I mean "trying" I mean, she didn't want anything to do with him because she knew he was married. He still insisted, day and night, behind my back. I felt so degraded. I felt like I wasn't enough for him. I suppose he got smart and decided to leave the cheating alone, but he still wasn't very supportive during my pregnancy.

When our son was born, I thought it would change him. It did.....for a bit. He deployed 2 weeks later and came back worse then ever. At that time our son was already 9 months old. One night, on our way to my parent's house he made a comment to me. A comment that I will never forget. "You know, I only said yes to having a family to shut you up." I was so shocked. I had only asked twice. I had only asked his opinion. He could have said no. Why didn't he say no? I thought that was the lowest he'd ever go, but I was wrong. He had more in stored for me. 

One late night, a family issue came up. My brother was working, so I was asked to drive to my parents' home and give the bad news. So I wake up my husband and tell him. "Just be back an hour before I have to get up." That's all he said. Whatever, I didn't have time for that. Once I was able to calm my mom down (I might one day blog about this issue, but I am not ready to at this moment), I went home. It was maybe 4:30am. Once I got in bed I was finally letting myself cry. I tried crying quietly, but I still got yelled at. "Can you shut the fuck up so I can sleep?" Thanks for the support, hubby.  The morning I got the dreaded phone call that my grandpa passed away (a month after the other terrible family issue), the ex asked what happened, I told him my grandpa just passed away and he rolled over in bed and asked, "does that mean I have to get up" and fell back asleep. That meant I couldn't be there for my mother until he decided to get up and watch our son. 

Every morning I had to get up to feed our son. Every evening I cooked, cleaned and let him play video games, while my son and I just watched (there was only one t.v.). All I asked was for him to be more involved in our son's life, take out the trash (we lived on the third floor so it was hard on my back), and wash dishes (which is also hard on my back). I would get yelled at when I asked him to take out the trash or wash dishes. So, I would simply do them myself. Crying inside, but not wanting to fight. The one time I let him watch our son on his own, his own mother told me she heard him over the phone to "shut the fuck up". That was the last straw. I kicked his ass out and he went back to his home state, on the east coast.

We've been separated since then. 3 years ago this past June. Throughout these 3 years, we either fought, or got along. We either decided to try again or divorce. Finally, summer of 2010 I told him we can try again. Only simply because he showed to be a different guy. He seemed to care more every time my son and I made our yearly trip to the east coast. 

He came out in December of this past year. Not one week of him being here, I found out he was begging another girl to take him back. His exact words were "If you tell me, I'll turn around and come be with you instead of my wife and son." Wow. Just fucking WOW! Our marriage was over then, but he had built a relationship with our son that I let him stay. After our big fight, we didn't bring it up again. I wanted our son to have his father around. He deserves that much. Slowly, I began to notice that instead of being a good loving father he was becoming an annoyed mean father. It got to so bad that our son, 4 years old, came up to me and asked, "Mommy, Dad no like me." I quickly asked why he said that. "Cuz he is mean to me." I didn't know what to say except that daddy was having a hard time and it didn't mean he doesn't love him, but that he simply need some daddy time. My son then said, "He doesn't like you too, cuz he's mean to you too." Now I really didn't have a respond to that. I gave his father another chance to redeem himself after talking to him, at least 5 times about this situation. All were unsuccessful. 

We planned a driving trip to the east coast because one of his family members passed away. I thought to myself, "this is exactly what we all need. To get away from the negativity, focus on family, and maybe he will realize how lucky he is to have us. Maybe, just maybe, he will change."

 A week after arriving there, I noticed his and his mother's (how use to be like my best friend) attitude completely changed. When I spoke, they looked like they wanted to punch me in the face. I felt awkward, so I would make a joke and they would role their eyes. They were very demanding and demeaning. I heard them talk behind my back. Calling me names. So I decided to work my ass off and try to win them over again. Why? Because I was stuck there another 3 weeks. I cleaned that house from top to bottom. Mopped, swept, recon the bathroom, vacuumed, dusted, cooked, and even tried mowing the lawn. Negative. Same ol' shit. The mental and emotional abuse became so bad that I would sneak phone calls home in the middle of the night. Crying to my mom, my aunt, my friends, anyone that would listen. They all told me to go home, but I wanted to be there for the memorial of the family member that passes since we were so close. 

I survived the month and the drive back, but the things he would say to me and the tone he said it, just made my self esteem worse and worse. My depression hit a very low point. A day after getting back, I read a comment his mother left on my Facebook. I confronted my "husband" and finally asked why they hate me so much. What did I do to deserve all they and he had done? He simply replied with a smirk and said, "I have no remorse for what I did to you. Nothing." He fooled me into thinking he had changed for the better, but in reality he became worse. "I wish I knew you never changed before you came out. Would've saved a lot of heartache." He just just laughed and said, "But I didn't change. I lied. Hahahaha!"  

When I asked why they hated me so much, he said their reasoning for hating me so much was because I couldn't help out with money. They both know I cannot work because I was awaiting to hear about my bi-level spinal fusion. How am I suppose to look for a job when I don't know if I am getting surgery? Second, whenever I did get money whether it be a gift or for school, I always used it for the family. Food, gas, our insurance, and even food for our trip to the east coast. The second reason they hate me so much is because I don't help enough with cleaning and such. I'm sorry, I thought they knew about my back issue? Did they not notice how clean the house would be every fucking single day? My fairy godmother didn't do that...I did. As much as it killed me to do it, I did it. They would leave a mess, but I would clean it up. He claimed, I barely mopped one tile. Fuck that, I swept and moped the whole kitchen, cleaned counters and threw out the crap they would leave out. His mother would leave trash all over the kitchen, "but that's her house she can do what she wants," right she can...but who cleaned that shit up? I did. Enough is enough.

I felt so ashamed, that our marriage was a sham. Everyone thought we were a happy couple, but that was just the mask we wore. I was too ashamed to let people, friends, family know that I put myself in that position once again. That I got played once again. 

I kicked him out. Our previous plan was that he would stay around the area so he could keep a relationship with our son. Two days after I kicked him out, he picked up his stuff, and left back to the east coast. Not even an explanation or a goodbye to our son. He left that job to me.

How do you explain to a 4 year old that his father left, and didn't say goodbye?

At first, he didn't care. His demeanor has changed. He was no longer throwing tantrums, he was more affectionate with me and my family. He seemed to be happier.

One night, I realized that his father leaving left him traumatized, when he held my hand during bed time and said in a very quiet voice, "please, don't ever leave me, Mommy." It broke my heart. I told him I would never ever leave him. No matter what. I listed everyone he knows and told him that they all love him and will never leave him. Once he fell asleep, I went running to my mom and just cried. His father and his other grandmother could say and do whatever they want with me, I'm a big girl, I can take it, but you DO NOT mess with my child! He did nothing wrong. 

Every once in a while, he'll ask why his father left, and I would explain that he simply missed his family and he went back home. So far, he is satisfied with that answer, but I knew in the future he will want the truth. Till then, I will stick with what works for now. 

I still cry once in a while when I think about my son's question to me. How could his father do that to him? How could he leave him thinking that now everyone will leave him?? My poor baby doesn't deserve that. 

So I filed for legal separation, since his father believes we only should get $140 a month. Not if I have something to say about it...well the courts too. 

I filed for legal separation because he doesn't deserve to have any physical custody. He abandoned his son twice.  I won't let him hurt my son anymore. 

As my son is slowly relearning to trust his loved once, I am slowly finding myself and regaining my self esteem. It's been a hard process, since it was the worst abuse we ever had to deal with. My ex did so much damage in only six months. I no longer plan on taking my son and myself to our annual trip to the east coast. I feel bad for the family members that were good to us, but sometimes innocent people pay for other people's mistakes. I don't wish anything upon my ex and his mother. Justice and karma will take care of them for us. I just hope they are able to live with themselves and sleep well at night. Guilt can be a bitch. Being shameful can become a nightmare. 
I'm not shameful, and no longer ashamed. If you are going through abuse in your relationship, don't feel ashamed and keep it to yourself. Seek help. Talk to someone you trust and finally, get the strength to leave.  

A Letter to Someone Like You

Since beginning this blog, I've lost a few supposed friends. Some didn't like the way I vented, others thought I was being too selfish. Last time I checked blogs are usually about the people writing them. This is MY blog, so I'll write about ME. My intentions are not to offend, put down, or make anyone feel uncomfortable, but I will not apologize for anything I say. If I offend you, then fuck off. I don't need people like that in my life. For those of you that have supported me on my blogging, I just want to thank you. You guys are the main reason why I decided not to delete it. Earlier today I received a message after I commented on my Facebook that maybe I should just be donzo with my blog if it offended people to the point that I am losing friends. I then got this message from someone I haven't spoken to in a while and I didn't even think they would be reading my blog.

This is what they said: "it's absoultely not offensive! I actually wrote a paragraph. I wanted to tell you that I seriously sat & cried while reading your blog and I'm so sorry that your going through all of that. I think your so brave for posting that for everyone to see especially knowing how people can be. i don't know if you believe in prayer but I can have my church pray for you if that's alright with you. I just really feel like God put it in my heart to tell you & to pray for you."

This message and others from supportive friends made me decide to keep blogging.  If people want to get offended and leave, then I suppose you were never really my friend, let alone know me. I will keep blogging the way I want. If I want to cuss like a sailor, then so be it. If I want to call my exhusband a sperm donor, then I will. These are my thoughts, my feelings, and I have nothing to hide. Like it or hate it. Support me and I'll love you forever, hate me and I will delete you from my life. Negativity is not needed in my life. I need positive.  My blog was started on the intention of maybe helping one person, letting them know someone else is suffering, or in the same position as them. Or just so they know someone is there to listen to their problems. This blog was not started on the intention of pissing people off, causing trouble, let alone lose friends. 

So this letter is to someone like you, to my supporters and to my haters.

My Private War

I have so much I want to say, but how do I start it off? I'll start by letting you know that I've been suffering from major back pain since I was 16. I tried physical therapy back then, stopped going and decided to just live with the minor pain. As time flew by, I noticed the pain has progressed. I mainly noticed when I was working. I shrugged it off as just being tired. A year before I became pregnant, I was trying to do some chores when I hurt my back so bad I couldn't move. My husband (exhusband now) took me to the ER because I couldn't even walk. They gave me a shot (pain meds) and sent me home with a prescription for more pain pills. I still had no idea what was going on, but again, decided to just ignore it and just be more careful.  When my son was about a month old, I was trying to sit him down on the floor when again, my back went out on me. Finally, I had enough and saw my doc. He referred physical therapy again. Funny how, every time I went in doing alright, I came out barely able to walk. Now I know there is something seriously wrong. I was finally able to see an Orthopedic doctor and got some MRI's done. They showed some ware and tear in my spinal discs, but not enough to concern anyone. This was back in 2007. Every year my back has been getting worse. What the fuck is going on with my discs? I was super afraid I would end up like my dad and have to have major back surgery. I was afraid to know the truth. Last year, after many x-rays, MRI's, Catscans, epidural injections and discograms, the doctor finally decided surgery would be the only and best solution. He has decided on Bi-Level spinal fusion. That's some serious shit. 6 hours in the OR, a week in the hospital, 2 months of strict bed rest at home and 4-6 months of full recovery. To me, I would take that risk. This pain has become too much to bare. So I gave him the ok to send in for the referral to my insurance. Meantime I am still getting epidurals, pills, pills more pills and apply for disability. SSA denied me. Their reasoning is because I can still manage "some" work. Ok, well can you please tell me what this "some" work is and how can I manage a pain free day at work?? Finally I get the long awaited letter from my insurance.... my surgery was denied. Fine. We try again. Guess what? Denied again.  Not once, but twice. Why? Because I am not leaking spinal fluid....yet. Mr. Robert J. Meade is in his comfy office in his fancy suite, all comfortable in his seat meanwhile I am in intense pain. Day and night. It never goes away. Sometimes it just gets worse. But, hey, at least I now know what my issue with my back is. It's called degenerative disc disease. Hmmm, isn't that something that older people get?? Why, yes it is! So why the fuck do I have it? Apparently I am one of the lucky few to get the disease at a very very young age...and as it progresses it pretty much pulverizes my discs. Wow. Just Wow. I'm speechless. This isn't enough for Mr. Meade to reconsider my case? I guess not. So I went to see my doc today because last Thursday I experienced the worse pain ever while folding laundry. Yup, I was just folding laundry and next thing I know I have two shots of pain meds on each side of my ass cheeks. So back to my appointment. I had to retake new x-rays, and even she said they were so bad that she is surprised I was denied. That could be some indication that I'm in bad shape. The doctor comes in, stares at the x-rays and my past MRI's. Looks at me and with a somber face, he says we need new MRI's....and a new serious plan of action because the spinal bones are way too close to each other. My discs are pretty much all gone.  I walk away from the office, lifeless. I have no real expression on my face. I'm speechless. I get to my car, close my door, and just start crying. Just as I am now, typing out this blog. This cannot be fair. I'm 27 years old, in major pain 24/7, I barely get any sleep, I'm a full time student, a full time single mother and my son's sperm donor barely gives us money every month. Not enough sustain our lives or pay all my doctor bills. How am I going to find a job now? How will I be able to sit in class without having to get up and walk around just to take away some of the pain? How can I play all those games with my son that any other parent can play with their child. He tries to understand that I am in pain and need to lay down, take meds, and put on my heating pad,  but he still begs me to play with him. I do as much as I can, but the whole time I am screaming inside myself from the pain. How can this be fair? Just typing this is giving me a hard time. I was scared about getting surgery, but I'm more afraid of never having surgery.  I know I don't deserve this, as many people in the world do not deserve whatever they are going through, but why me? Why can't I be there for my mother, my son, myself in the way I should be. How can I find a job and pay for my doctor bills? How can I play with my son the way he wants to play? How can I concentrate in school and get good grades? How can I live with this pain for the rest of my life? Pills, epidurals, MRI's. CatScans, blood work, etc. What am I going to do? How can I keep going? My son is the reason why I keep going, but how much longer can I do it before the smile on my face quickly becomes screams of horror??

You Don't Know me

So, 10 years later I am ready to tell the whole world why I am who I am. Back in high school during my senior year, I was gone for about a week.This was December 13th, not long from Christmas which made it worse on my family. No one really paid attention seeing as I ditched often. No one knew the truth though. I was in a very dark place. I could no longer deal with myself and decided that ending my life was the only way out. In my mind, I honestly believed everyone would be happier and worried free. I've been feeling like this since I was 13. Although, back then I didn't have the guts to try anything more then just cut. Yes, I was a cutter. I am not ashamed to divulge any of this anymore. Why? Because, If it wasn't for all these experiences I wouldn't be here now, trying my best at being a mommy, a daughter, a friend, and one day a lover to someone that deserves all I have to give. 10 years ago, my life almost ended. 30+ Ambein pills, and other meds I do not remember. All I remember was watching my friend cut her hair. That's it. She claims I decided to practice our prom make up, but did my make up really scary and told her laughing, "It's funeral make up". Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I cannot believe I said/did that. My mother finally found me looking for more medicines to take. The ambulance came and took me to the hospital. They pumped my stomach, but I don't remember much. All I remember are bits and pieces. My mom hysterical, my brother crying, and me in restraints. What happened that put me in that that position in the first place? Why did I not ask anyone for help? I was ashamed for feeling depressed when I didn't have a full reason to be. I felt different. I felt lost and alone. I really wished someone would notice the change in me. I was a happy child. I had a great childhood...so what happened? While in the psychiatric hospital (I call it hell) I was diagnosed with bipolar. That makes sense I suppose? It took 10 years to finally find the right combo of meds...but in reality...I haven't been on them for a month. My lovely exhusband didn't pay for prime insurance and I cannot afford to see my doctors nor get my meds. Funny how I was never able to tell when I was going through my mood changes, but I can tell now. One day I am happy and have a plan to for mine and son's future. Other times such as today, I am irritated and depressed. I just want to be left alone and run away, but I'm a mother. I cannot abounded my poor sweet child. So what am I suppose to do? I want to cry, but I don't want to burden anyone with my issues. I'm sure no one cares to hear me cry and complain. I guess I will wake up in the morning, and just put on that fucking smile again and do what I have to do. Be the daughter my mother expects me to be. The student that I expect me to be. Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful to be alive. More then you will ever know. Although my life is hard, I am very happy to be alive today. Nothing can compare to a hug and an "I love you" from my son. It makes it all worth while. I suppose 10 years ago, was just not my time and I'm glad it wasn't. So I say this to anyone that reads this, there is always hope. No matter how bad it could be. Have faith in yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't feel ashamed. It isn't something you can control, but with the right meds and therapy (as I am currently doing) there is always hope. Leave a comment if you feel like you need someone to talk to, or even just email me. Pinkladyjosie@aol.com I am also including some helpful sites in case you want to research more on bipolar, anxiety, ocd (yes I suffer from all these)or any other mental illness that cannot be controlled on your own. I know you can always find help and not fall into the deep depression that I did. Look at me now. I am majoring in accounting, raising an amazing son who will starting school soon, help out my mom as much as I can, and a pretty amazing friend. Don't take life for granted. There is always good in everything and everyone. Just remember that. 

This should help you out if you ever need help...or you can email me!! It is important for friends and family to watch for symptoms and call a doctor or even talk to your loved ones about it. It can always prevent the worst consequences!! I too experienced a friend that committed suicide not long ago and I can offer my full attention if you are too ashamed or afraid to speak to anyone you may know.  Remember it's pinkladyjosie@aol.com There are many other sites you can research. Just google them. I hope my bog has made you view who I am differently, or even helped you seek help. Suicide is never the solution. We've come this far to quit now. Remember that! Also comment on any insight you may have that could help others, or even anything you would like to share with me. Thanks.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/?gclid=CNzm7JSwnqoCFQYObAodUjYK1g
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
bipolartreatmentinfo.com

Symptoms of Depression

www.mdd-add-on-treatment.com

http://suicidehotlines.com/

1-800-SUICIDE		1-800-273-TALK
1-800-784-2433		1-800-273-8255

My First Blog Ever.....

and it feels like the first time I had sex. Nervous, no clue what to do and a bit awkward. I decided to start a blog because I am just overwhelming myself and I can no longer hide the complete truth to people who think they know me. They have no fucking clue who I really am. My best friends know me, and maybe a select few know what's going on, but in reality, not even my own mother knows who I am. To them I'm just a student, full time single mother, a hard working daughter, someone who takes her family's shit with a smile and although in the most intense pain, I ALWAYS have a smile on my face. How can I began to even to tell you the reader exactly who I am?? I know, I will go back about 4 years ago and tell you each story with each blog I write. They are a huge part of why I am who I am. They deserve their own page. I use to be a happy kid. What happened? Lots of bullshit happened. Life happened. An unusual life happened. Why did it happen? I have no fucking clue, but if this blog helps me deal with why it happened, then I will just fucking blog it. So here's my introduction. My name is Josie. I was born and raised in Oxnard, Ca. I love it here, but one day I will love to move to Seattle. I hate the sun. I am a full time single mom. Finally filed for legal separation after being separated from the sperm donor 3+ years. I suppose I finally got the balls and I was tired of people thinking they can take advantage of me. I am also going to school. I'm majoring in accounting and hoping that one day I can open up my own bakery, bar, or even a rehab for all unwanted animals. Weird I know, but you will quickly find out that I'm very random. With that said, I will soon post my first blog about my past that changed my life...the first time.