Slow Burn

Although it's been over 10 yrs since being diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety, I still have an issue coming to terms that I will forever be on medication. It's easier for me to accept it when I'm on my medication and stable. As a matter of fact, I've been doing so well on my new "cocktail" that I haven't had the need to take anti-anxiety meds in over a month. Yeah, I was quite proud of myself.

It didn't last long.

If you've read my older posts, you'd know that my ex-husband failed to pay our insurance to keep Prime and so now I must pay larger co-pay amounts that I simply cannot afford. I haven't been able to see my psychiatrist, but it wasn't an issue until this past week and I finally ran out of my medication. (I've also ran out of my pain meds.) As you can imagine, I've been living each day on the brink of losing my mind. I was doing ok enough to think I might be able to last till this coming week, but today was my breaking point. All the stress, the frustration from my back pain and just everyday life finally broke me.

Of course it had to be my MS Access homework to send me over the edge! I felt myself losing it. I wanted to cry, yell, scream, pull my hair, drop to my knees. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't? I'm still struggling. 

It is so crazy to know that I cannot function properly if I am not on medication. It's scary. It makes me feel almost nonhuman. I've always known the importance of my medication, but I've always questioned it. It's just not fair. What made this worse is my back pain. I'm out of those medications too, and the pain has been unbearable.

Funny, I just keep on smiling and pretend like nothing is wrong to people around me. Finally told my mom that I have been out of meds for the past week. She was upset. I would be too, but I didn't do it on purpose. I'd rather be stable and on meds then off meds and unstable. Feeling like this is not ok. I feel trapped within myself, about to lose all sanity I have left. 

It's so sad.

I can't even do my homework.

I'm slowly losing my mind...

Love Is Illness

The beginning of this week I started to think about my love life and why I am without the love of my life. I started to blame myself. Do I not deserve to be loved? Am I not good enough for any guy or to be special to someone? What do I do wrong to fail in every relationship? I was feeling pretty damn pissed at myself. Why do I allow myself to fall head over heels so easily and why do I set myself up to be hurt?? I became the bitter jaded person I was months ago.

I realized something yesterday. What has happened was a blessing in disguise. It made me realize that nothing is wrong with me and if I haven't someone to be the love of my life isn't because I'm not good enough for anyone, but that they are not good enough for me. I am not ashamed to open myself up to someone I believe to be a potential love. I am a hopeless romantic, so what? I don't do anything wrong in a relationship, they are just not the ones for me. If I have to wait a lifetime to find the one, then I shouldn't feel bad because I know exactly what I need in man, and I know I have a lot of love to give. Being a hopeless romantic with tons of love to give makes me special. So now, I don't beat myself up over the fact that I am alone and I wake up every day with a smile on my face. You never know who will be captured with that smile. It's easier to be approached with a simple smile then giving out a bitter vibe. 

I do not regret any of my relationships. As much as it hurts to know that they ended and sometimes the way they ended, I will keep the good times in my thoughts. Why? Because I remember how happy those moments made me, and I know one day I will have that again. That is one of the many reasons why I will no longer fear dating or fear getting hurt again. 

Although I am no longer dwelling on the hurt, I have decided that I will no longer be looking for love. I will let love find me. Being 27 years old and not having that special one just means that it isn't my time yet. I will enjoy my life a day at a time and concentrate on my son, my goals, my health and my happiness. 

I deserve to be loved, but I will not be sad that I am on my own at this moment. He will come one day, and he will be exactly what I deserve. Being a single, 24/7 mom, dating is a whole different ball game and he needs to know that if he wants to be with me, I am a 2 for 1 deal. The special one would see that as a plus and not as baggage. 

I use to see love as an illness, but now I see it as a blessing.

Stop! Before It's Too Late And We've Destroyed It All

I've been dealing with an ongoing issue since my ex-husband abandoned my son. I don't care that he left me, since I was very unhappy being with him, but the fact that he just up and left back to the east coast without saying goodbye to his flesh and blood just pisses me off. The first time he abandoned him, my son was only a year old and didn't understand what was going on, but now, he's 4 years old and he knows more then anyone thinks. Sometimes I think he is too smart for his own good. 

This is a very touchy subject for me since it has to do with my son and his well being. As I am typing this, I am forced to relive every moment and cannot help but have tears roll down my cheeks. 

A few weeks ago my son's teacher called me during school hours and of course I panicked. She explained to me that she is very worried about his emotional and psychological state because he confessed to her several times that his father left him. She called because this time he refused to participate in class and cried when he told her about his father. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I even thought she might assume that I am a horrible mother. I explained to her the situation with his father. That he built a relationship with him for 6 months and just left. I also told her that I am trying everything I can to ease my son's pain by telling him that his father had to leave to help his mother and look for a job so he can send us money. Of course, that is all a lie, but my son is much too young to understand what really has and is happening. Plus, he doesn't need to feel like his father might not love him. I thought this wasn't an issue since my son hasn't talked to me about it, but I guess I was wrong. His teacher offered to put in a request to provide a type of therapy courtesy of the school district. She said they will go to the classroom, observe him, give the teacher helpful tools to help him surpass this obstacle and then they would come to our home and help me help my son. I agreed to this proposition. Not only for the sake of my son's grief, but also to provide the courts prove of what his father has done to him if he ever wants to fight custody. 

The reason I feel as a horrible mother is because as a mother/parent, we do everything possible to protect our children and yet, I could not protect him from the worst monster....his father. Not only that, but I had let him talk to him on the phone prior to this mess. I thought if his father wanted to talk to him and keep some communication open, then that might ease my son's pain. I guess I was wrong. I hate myself for that now. 

So since that incident, I haven't noticed it bothering my son any longer. In fact, his teacher wrote a note saying that he was a happy kid again. He even showed the class how to shuffle and kept singing, "Every day I'm shuffling..." Haha, only my son! That's the kid I know. I figured he will be fine, but still wanted to go ahead with therapy. 

There were a few times while waiting to get in class that my son would say to me, "So and so (not going to put names), has a dad....." and "look his dad is here with him". Again, I had to remind him his father left for good reason. 

This past Friday his teacher called me very concerned. My son refused to participate in any activity and was even acting out. He told his two teachers that he misses his father and wants him back home. She told me to go over right away and I did. She told me what happened that day, and I saw for myself that he wasn't acting like the good little boy I know he is. He was throwing books and even starting fights. That's not my son. He is a gentle and friendly boy. I was horrified and it broke my heart. This is very hard to blog about. I am trying hard not to cry, but failing miserably. The teacher told me she was going to call and ask the therapist to please see him asap. I tried to tell her that I am trying everything I can to keep my son from hurting, but there is so much I can do.....and I almost lost it, but recovered quickly because I didn't want to frighten my son or any other child. At that moment I really felt as if I failed my son. I felt like the worst mother ever. This is a problem I cannot fix on my own and felt helpless. My poor baby is suffering and I couldn't make him feel better by putting a Cars band aid on his booboo. How can I put a band aid on his heart?

I took him home early. The whole ride home was unbearable. I tried not to cry, and he was quiet. When we got him all he wanted to do was to be held by me. I sat down with him and my mom and explained once again that his father had to leave to help his mom and find a job to help us out. I reminded him that his father loves him very much, and one day he will feel better. At that moment my niece came out to play and he joined her. My mom and I stayed talking. She didn't help much. She blamed me for his pain. Said that I don't take him out enough to keep him busy, therefore not letting him dwell on the bad thoughts. Wow. Seriously? I do everything I can to have mommy and son time. I cannot take him out all the time because I am always broke since my ex barely gives us enough money to pay for gas and some food every month. I'm broke as soon as I get the money. I make it up by other means. Movie nights, reading, playing, homework time, anything. He enjoys watching movies on Netflix and am more then happy to abide, since we both love the same movies. We spend most Saturdays watching movies, make popcorn, lunch, dinner and more movies. He loves it. If he didn't, he would say so. Sundays we go out to help my mom at the swap meet. He loves that too. We go on walks and even let him pick out anything he wants as long as it is on our budget. He also loves helping my mom out. So, why does my own mother think that I am doing things wrong and ruining his life? Why am I a bad mother according to her? I'm already beating myself up over this and her words are only twisting the knife in my heart. I thought she would be supporting me and not putting me down. If she thinks I'm a bad mom, and I think I'm a bad mom....then maybe I am.....maybe I'm doing everything wrong. What am I suppose to do now?

My son had a good day today in school though. The teacher told me he participated in all the activities and was back to his normal self, but for how long until the next break down? Now I cringe every time I drop him off at school just to think he might have another episode. Is he ok? Is he hurting? What if he does this often, then how can I keep taking him to school? 

How do I fix this? How do I keep my baby from hurting?? I feel lost and helpless. I don't know what to do or say anymore. All I can do now is put on a happy face and make him feel special every single second. I remind him how much I love him and how much everyone he knows loves him. I name every single person so he knows we all love him and will never ever leave him. 

I know that seeing other kids with their fathers is a factor in all this. I also know that by not having that adult male role model is hindering his ability to trust any older males. His uncle that lives in this house pays little to no attention to him. He's lucky to even get a hello. My mother and I have talked to him about it. He is the only adult male around to help him, but it seems as if he too doesn't care. My uncle loves my son very much, but he cannot always be around and it's simply not the same. My father is incredibly frustrated that he cannot be here to help him. He knows that if he was here, my son would not be going through this problem, well at least not to this extent. 

I kicked my ex out of the house, and wanted our marriage to end, but never from our son's life. When I talked to him about this situation, he was quick to blame me. He had the option to stay. I told him from the beginning to stay for him. It was his decision to leave. Not mine. 

So now what do I do? How can I stop my son's hurting? I feel completely helpless. I don't know what to do anymore and I know I failed my baby. I couldn't protect him from his father's issues. Any advice? All are welcomed. I'm lost and could use the help. Thanks for reading my rant. I truly needed to vent.

Living Each Day Like You're Already Dead

Wowzers! It's been forever since I last posted. I've been soooo busy that I just couldn't find the time to post. I have a few updates for you guys.

First of all, school is going great for both myself and my son. I have A's in all 3 classes and my son loves being in school. I'm finally use to my son being gone and taking full advantage by getting ahead in my classes. Not a bad deal :) I no longer get anxiety when I go to my on campus class. I love it! I also finally found the guts to start convos with a few classmates. Totally helps my confidence! My son is also making new friends. He is no longer shy and prefers to play with other kids then being a loner. He even has a best friend....which just happens to be the cutest little girl in the class lol. They are inseparable. It's super cute. I love volunteering in his class too. I always have a little group of kids that follow me around. Makes me happy to be there and be admired by them. 

Although I still have a hard time accepting that a few of my loved ones are gone, I am coping much better. I miss them dearly, but learning to celebrate their lives rather then dwell on them being gone. 

I miss my dad tons, but hopefully we get to go visit him soon. I can't wait!

My family and a few friends have noticed a change in me. Even my dad commented on how I sound happy now. Well, I am! I still have those stressful moments that I might say, "FML".....but overall, I'm content. Especially since I've met people that make me happy. I find myself smiling all day and even catch myself day dreaming about happy thoughts, thanks to them. You know who you are ;-) I'm also weeding out the ones that start drama and only bring me down. I only need and want positive people in my life :)

The situation with my back is still in limbo. I've been getting epidurals, and lots of tests that only stress me out and frustrate me. I am tired of all this running around with my insurance, but I kinda see it as a sign that maybe the timing isn't best for me at this moment. I'm starting to accept it, but when I'm in tons of pain and need to take meds, well I get depressed. Fuck it, I still manage to get my shit done. I will be applying for disability again, and hopefully this time they won't decline. I'm starting to think the reason why my insurance decline my surgery and SSA decline my disability application is because of my age. Maybe they think I'm too young....which I completely agree on. Which again, is very frustrating. Oh well.

I really hope my luck and life have changed for the better as it seems like it has. I really do think I deserve some good in my life after the horrible past 3 1/2 yrs.

Oh and the most important thing I forgot to mention!!!!!!!! I AM OFFICIALLY LEGALLY SEPARATED!!!! Heck yeah!!!!! We still have to go thru the custody and support, but it all defaulted to my favor since he didn't pay his fees and was rejected. We talked and I told him that after everything he put us thru, the least he can do is just agree with everything I asked for and pay for Prime Tricare again(which I am being extremely fair about even tho he does not deserve it, buuuut I don't want to fight), . He agreed. We'll see if he goes thru with it. Let's hope he does!

I'm taking full advantage of my opportunities and making positive steps. I'm quite proud of myself and how far I've come so far. Life had made me it's bitch, but now I'm making life my bitch :-P "Living Each Day Like You're Already Dead"......but I prefer to think about living each day like I'm dying. 

Oh, I'm thinking about selling Scentsy for extra income....any advice??

I just gotta say that I love ya guys and appreciate that you take time to read my blog! Don't forget to leave comments and check out the ads!!! Here's to a new outlook on life!!! Cheers!

 

Five Vicodin Chased With A Shot Of Clarity

So, it's been a while since I posted. I've been incredibly busy with my classes. I knew I would be pretty busy for the Fall semester, but I didn't think  it would be this busy. I think the fact that my son just started school, may be the reason why I'm so busy. School is going good for the two of us. My son hasn't cried in school, and my anxiety goes away after the first 5 minutes of class. So far so good :) 

My health issues are still there, but I try not to let it hinder me...otherwise, I wouldn't be able to get anything done. I do beat myself up because I can't work. I would give anything for the opportunity to have a real job. Unfortunately, I'm unable to at this time. Kinda makes me feel like a failure. I know I shouldn't feel that way, because I never stop trying to be the best, but not being able to work def makes it harder. I finally had a new MRI done and a nerve test. I should be getting those results soon, especially because I will be getting another epidural soon....yay. 

I need to make time for more fun, but how can I have fun if I have no money? Damn gas prices! I can't complain much, I have def been having more fun lately. I'm even meeting new people from my class. Pretty awesome. I needed that. I needed to get out of the house.

There are other stuff going on too. Good and bad, but I think I'll save those details when things are more concrete. For now, I'm just enjoying being busy, enjoying my time with my son, enjoying my time with friends and enjoying school. I suppose I can't complain much :-p

A Song For The Optimists

Aside from my daily and new pain today, I had a pretty good day. My financial aid was processed and I should be getting my money soon. That's gonna help me and my son out soooooooooo much! I also plan on saving a some. Can't be living life wondering how I am gonna pay for gas and insurance anymore! Went to LA for our business trip, got home early, and took a nap (my pain was quite bad so I had to take my meds). Did I mention that I'm the Dog Whisperer?? 

This past weekend, a poor little shih tzu puppy has been running around my neighborhood. I thought these other kids took her home so I didn't worry much. Today I noticed my neighbor's son trying to get her. He even used dog treats, but the cutie just ran away from him. So I busted out my animal loving skills and she came to me right away. No hesitation. I fell in love with her big black eyes. I really wish I could have kept her, but I gave her to my neighbor. I can't afford another family member :( Plus, I know for a fact that my neighbors love their pets to the max and she will be loved there. I did warn them to NOT take her to the pound because she could be killed if not adopted or claimed in 2-4 weeks. I gave them the info for the local humane society. I also said if they didn't or couldn't keep her, to let me know and I could help find a new home for her. I'm feeling quite happy for helping that poor helpless puppy. 

I once promised myself that if I could help an animal in need, then I would do my best to help. Luckily, I know many local help centers for lost or hurt animals. 

So, aside from that, I'm just feeling content for once. Certain people in my life have helped make me feel this way too. I'm very thankful to have them in my life. Well, I need to stop blogging because the new Jersey Shore is on! Ha!

As The Line Between Machinery And Humanity Blurs

I thank everyone for their support, and for others that don't understand, if you read my older blogs I always mention that I know I am not the only one with problems. I know others have their problems, some worse. I never once said my problems were the worst out there. I always manage to get thru my tough times too. After 4 yrs of nothing but bad luck and a shitty life, I keep pushing through. I'm a full time single mother, in pain 24/7 and going to school. What do I do?? I keep doing what I have to do to get by and have a better future for my son and I. Every morning I wake up, migraine or not, and do what I gotta do to make things better. I may have a shitty day, but you know what?? I may blog about it, and if you don't appreciate what I have to say, then don't read it. Simple as that. I don't let life take me down. I keep on doing what I do and find ways to manage. So to the person that left the comment on my last post, please read the older posts....read the whole post. Why? You will see that I don't give up. I don't pity myself. I have a shitty life, and I deal with it. My blog is one way of dealing. It lets me vent. Just as I am venting about the comment. Safe to assume when you don't know me. By the way, I got my books....all of them (most of which have special programs thus I couldn't borrow from the library.) Oh, did I mention that my school isn't next door so going back and forth from the library would cost more than the book is worth??? I look at the big picture, not just that moment. Thanks for your comment though....

Someone's Standing On My Chest

Oh man, oh man! So much is going on that I feel like losing my mind. My stress rash has started up (YAY!), and panic attacks are very near. Anxiety is so crazy right now. Crazy how some of life's moments can do this to me. 

So I start school tomorrow. No biggie, since I've been in school, right? Wrong. Very, very wrong! I've been doing school online from VC and OC. Why? Because my anxiety has been keeping me from going on campus. So much so that this year has been the first year I actually been on campus to deal with my major and books. Weird huh? I suppose I am weird. Not only do I start my first on campus class tomorrow (aside from two others online), I still haven't been able to come up with enough money to buy my books. School has still managed to fuck up my financial aid, so, tomorrow I get to go earlier then my class, go to financial aid for the 5th time this semester and fix their mistakes, bookstore, orientation for one of my online class, and then my first on campus class. That is why my stress level and anxiety level are soooooo high right now. I literally feel like someone is standing on my chest! My stress rash doesn't help. It's so damn itchy that I can't help but scratch it. You might think that is not enough to make someone so nervous, and maybe you are right....so what else is going on?

My son starts preschool next week. I know it'll give me a lot more time to do my homework (my on campus class is in the evening and only twice a week), but I cannot help and feel so emotional. Now, you may justify my anxiety and stress. First day of school for my baby. I cannot believe he is getting so big, so fast! Another first I get to add to his book. So crazy to think about it. I know I'm going to cry, and he will probably go run to his new classmates and not care. Hahahaha. He loves being around other kids. Although I know he will be fine, I cannot help but feel very very worried he will cry. I doubt it though. He is super excited about starting school anyways.

So you can imagine, with all this going on, my anxiety and stress on the brink of doing major damage to me. Panic attacks are about to start. I hate those. I get really bad panic attacks, and the last thing I can do is take a pill during the day when I know I have to drive around. No bueno. My emotions are like a freaking roller coaster right now. Happy, sad, mad, worried, stressed.....etc. It is crazy. I'm gonna lose it. I know I am. Only thing keeping me sane right now is the birthday party we will be going to soon. Oh, did I mention I have no gas or money to get to and from school? So much to worry about! So much! It has to get better. It just has to. Otherwise, what's the point? Right? 

I really hope it all turns out alright, but I doubt it. With my luck, it'll probably get worse. I just know it.......I suppose this is where I say FML major!

Lip Gloss and Black

If I gave you pretty enough words.
Could you paint a picture of us that works.
An emphasis on function rather than design.
Aren't you tired cause I will carry you, on a broken back
And blown out knees, I have been where you are for a while..
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream. All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night. every evening that I die.
I am exhumed just a little less human and a lot more bitter and cold.
I am exhumed.. just a little less human....
a lot more bitter and cold.. After all these images of pain, have cut right through you,
I will kiss every scar, and weep you are not alone...
Then I'll show you that place in my chest where my heart still tries to beat, it sets us apart.
Aren't you tired of being weak?
Such rage that you could scream. All the stars right out of the sky
And destroy the prettiest starry night. every evening that I die
Live love burn die

Video Link:

http://youtu.be/OtBKUKmWvhA

  

You may have or may have not noticed already that  my blog titles consist of Atreyu song titles. This time, I had to post the lyrics because it is such an amazing song that speaks to me, especially on a day like today. I also added the link the the video just because I think you should really listen to this song while reading the lyrics. It's beautiful, in it's own way. Just like we are all beautiful in our own way. So anyway, time to get everything I'm holding in, out. 

I was asked by my mom today why I sometimes seem so depressed or angry. Of course, I could explain to her why a million times, but I know she will never understand. Although, I decided I will explain to her just as I will explain to you, my reader. 

I know there are many people suffering worse then I am, but it doesn't mean that my pain is less significant. No one's pain is less important. 

4 yrs ago, two days before my son's 1st birthday, my dad was taken away. I'm not ready to write about this whole situation, but the short version is that he has been gone that long. He is my role model. We were very close. As bad as that is already, it had to be two days before my son's birthday. One month after that, my grandpa passed away.....and just days after his funeral, my ex-husband asks for a divorce. That's a lot to take on in just a couple of months. Since then, I've had nothing but bad news. I had two more loved ones pass away, SSA denied my disability, I can't work, and all the lovely news about my back. 

I kept pushing forward though. Helping my mom, being a mom, going to school, trying to be there for everyone and just try to be happy. Life kept pushing me down. I kept pushing back. 

This past year after all the drama with my ex and other stuff, I became more bitter. Bitcher and less tolerant. I still put on a happy face and kept it all in. Why? Because I had faith still. I still had hope. The little bit I had...was stolen from me when the system decided to keep my dad away from his family. I lost it. How can someone cope when they feel as if they were robbed of their last piece of hope and faith?? My faith in humanity, in a greater power, in the system and in life in general was gone. 

For the past 4 yrs, life has been robbing every piece of faith and hope I had and I couldn't do much to keep it. I fought. I fought hard. I'm still fighting, but I feel as if it's a losing battle. I know there has to be some relieve soon. A break. Something good. 

I've experienced nothing but reasons to hate the world and life. Even people. I try not to. Every individual is different, so I give a bit of that trust I have left and it gets trampled. Of course. Best friends, family and strangers stab me in the back. All I wanted was my dad back. I prayed for my dad back. I didn't pray for my ex to return, nor pray for my back pain to go away. I prayed for my dad to come home. When I found out he wouldn't be able to come back, I said "Fuck it all" and became a bitter, jaded, angry person. 

That was before the drama with the ex. When that happened, I became even more bitter, jaded and angry. 

I don't want to be. I don't want these walls up. I remember when I was happy, and opened up to everyone that came into my life. I loved life. The only reason I do what I do now is for my son and my parents. My son needs me. My mom needs me. My dad needs me. I promised myself I would never ever let them down. 

If it wasn't for my son and my mom especially, I wouldn't be going to school. I wouldn't be going to my doctor appointments, getting mri's, tests, meds, injections. I wouldn't be fighting for what is fair and right. I wouldn't be giving people a chance to be part of my life either. I would just keep saying "Fuck it all" and maybe not even sitting here typing this blog. Why would I give a fuck? I wouldn't. But I do, so I do my hardest to make it better. Sometimes I have my days that I just want to punch a wall. Tell life, "fuck you!" Sometimes I just want to give up. 

After I explained this to my mom she said she hopes God helps me with my inner issues and I couldn't help but have smirk. How could I not? I feel betrayed by Him too. I know I shouldn't. Afterall, I have a healthy son that is going to school soon, I'm doing great in school and parents are also getting by. I should be glad, but some days, I forget the few good things I have going. Regardless, good day or bad, I still try my hardest. Regardless of all the people that have betrayed me and regardless of all the faith and hope that was stolen from me, I still give it my all. Like I always say....."Fuck it." Fuck you life, fuck you justice system, fuck you back stabbers, fuck you health, fuck you faith......fuck it all! If life wants to keep fucking with me, then please, go right ahead. I'm still gonna give it my all. Here's the middle finger life, cuz this is one bitch that isn't giving up. Even on the days I feel nothing but anger, depression and giving up, guess what? Fuck you. Fuck it. 

For everyone that has been a great support for me and my family, I give you major thanks. Also, major major thanks to my mom. We might bump heads sometimes, but if it wasn't for her, I dunno what would've happened to my son and I. I love everyone in our lives that are supportive, and I love everyone that bring nothing but good into our lives. 

Now with that said, yes, I am having one of those angry days. Maybe one day I will get over my anger, but for now, it's there and if you can't accept it, then bye. Otherwise, welcome to my Topsy turvy life. Hope you enjoy and have fun. 

"I am exhumed just a little less human and a lot more bitter and cold"...........but not forever.