Bleeding Hearts Shed No Tears: You Don't Know me

So, 10 years later I am ready to tell the whole world why I am who I am. Back in high school during my senior year, I was gone for about a week.This was December 13th, not long from Christmas which made it worse on my family. No one really paid attention seeing as I ditched often. No one knew the truth though. I was in a very dark place. I could no longer deal with myself and decided that ending my life was the only way out. In my mind, I honestly believed everyone would be happier and worried free. I've been feeling like this since I was 13. Although, back then I didn't have the guts to try anything more then just cut. Yes, I was a cutter. I am not ashamed to divulge any of this anymore. Why? Because, If it wasn't for all these experiences I wouldn't be here now, trying my best at being a mommy, a daughter, a friend, and one day a lover to someone that deserves all I have to give. 10 years ago, my life almost ended. 30+ Ambein pills, and other meds I do not remember. All I remember was watching my friend cut her hair. That's it. She claims I decided to practice our prom make up, but did my make up really scary and told her laughing, "It's funeral make up". Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I cannot believe I said/did that. My mother finally found me looking for more medicines to take. The ambulance came and took me to the hospital. They pumped my stomach, but I don't remember much. All I remember are bits and pieces. My mom hysterical, my brother crying, and me in restraints. What happened that put me in that that position in the first place? Why did I not ask anyone for help? I was ashamed for feeling depressed when I didn't have a full reason to be. I felt different. I felt lost and alone. I really wished someone would notice the change in me. I was a happy child. I had a great childhood...so what happened? While in the psychiatric hospital (I call it hell) I was diagnosed with bipolar. That makes sense I suppose? It took 10 years to finally find the right combo of meds...but in reality...I haven't been on them for a month. My lovely exhusband didn't pay for prime insurance and I cannot afford to see my doctors nor get my meds. Funny how I was never able to tell when I was going through my mood changes, but I can tell now. One day I am happy and have a plan to for mine and son's future. Other times such as today, I am irritated and depressed. I just want to be left alone and run away, but I'm a mother. I cannot abounded my poor sweet child. So what am I suppose to do? I want to cry, but I don't want to burden anyone with my issues. I'm sure no one cares to hear me cry and complain. I guess I will wake up in the morning, and just put on that fucking smile again and do what I have to do. Be the daughter my mother expects me to be. The student that I expect me to be. Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful to be alive. More then you will ever know. Although my life is hard, I am very happy to be alive today. Nothing can compare to a hug and an "I love you" from my son. It makes it all worth while. I suppose 10 years ago, was just not my time and I'm glad it wasn't. So I say this to anyone that reads this, there is always hope. No matter how bad it could be. Have faith in yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't feel ashamed. It isn't something you can control, but with the right meds and therapy (as I am currently doing) there is always hope. Leave a comment if you feel like you need someone to talk to, or even just email me. Pinkladyjosie@aol.com I am also including some helpful sites in case you want to research more on bipolar, anxiety, ocd (yes I suffer from all these)or any other mental illness that cannot be controlled on your own. I know you can always find help and not fall into the deep depression that I did. Look at me now. I am majoring in accounting, raising an amazing son who will starting school soon, help out my mom as much as I can, and a pretty amazing friend. Don't take life for granted. There is always good in everything and everyone. Just remember that.

This should help you out if you ever need help...or you can email me!! It is important for friends and family to watch for symptoms and call a doctor or even talk to your loved ones about it. It can always prevent the worst consequences!! I too experienced a friend that committed suicide not long ago and I can offer my full attention if you are too ashamed or afraid to speak to anyone you may know. Remember it's pinkladyjosie@aol.com There are many other sites you can research. Just google them. I hope my bog has made you view who I am differently, or even helped you seek help. Suicide is never the solution. We've come this far to quit now. Remember that! Also comment on any insight you may have that could help others, or even anything you would like to share with me. Thanks.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/?gclid=CNzm7JSwnqoCFQYObAodUjYK1g
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
bipolartreatmentinfo.com