I have so much I want to say, but how do I start it off? I'll start by letting you know that I've been suffering from major back pain since I was 16. I tried physical therapy back then, stopped going and decided to just live with the minor pain. As time flew by, I noticed the pain has progressed. I mainly noticed when I was working. I shrugged it off as just being tired. A year before I became pregnant, I was trying to do some chores when I hurt my back so bad I couldn't move. My husband (exhusband now) took me to the ER because I couldn't even walk. They gave me a shot (pain meds) and sent me home with a prescription for more pain pills. I still had no idea what was going on, but again, decided to just ignore it and just be more careful. When my son was about a month old, I was trying to sit him down on the floor when again, my back went out on me. Finally, I had enough and saw my doc. He referred physical therapy again. Funny how, every time I went in doing alright, I came out barely able to walk. Now I know there is something seriously wrong. I was finally able to see an Orthopedic doctor and got some MRI's done. They showed some ware and tear in my spinal discs, but not enough to concern anyone. This was back in 2007. Every year my back has been getting worse. What the fuck is going on with my discs? I was super afraid I would end up like my dad and have to have major back surgery. I was afraid to know the truth. Last year, after many x-rays, MRI's, Catscans, epidural injections and discograms, the doctor finally decided surgery would be the only and best solution. He has decided on Bi-Level spinal fusion. That's some serious shit. 6 hours in the OR, a week in the hospital, 2 months of strict bed rest at home and 4-6 months of full recovery. To me, I would take that risk. This pain has become too much to bare. So I gave him the ok to send in for the referral to my insurance. Meantime I am still getting epidurals, pills, pills more pills and apply for disability. SSA denied me. Their reasoning is because I can still manage "some" work. Ok, well can you please tell me what this "some" work is and how can I manage a pain free day at work?? Finally I get the long awaited letter from my insurance.... my surgery was denied. Fine. We try again. Guess what? Denied again. Not once, but twice. Why? Because I am not leaking spinal fluid....yet. Mr. Robert J. Meade is in his comfy office in his fancy suite, all comfortable in his seat meanwhile I am in intense pain. Day and night. It never goes away. Sometimes it just gets worse. But, hey, at least I now know what my issue with my back is. It's called degenerative disc disease. Hmmm, isn't that something that older people get?? Why, yes it is! So why the fuck do I have it? Apparently I am one of the lucky few to get the disease at a very very young age...and as it progresses it pretty much pulverizes my discs. Wow. Just Wow. I'm speechless. This isn't enough for Mr. Meade to reconsider my case? I guess not. So I went to see my doc today because last Thursday I experienced the worse pain ever while folding laundry. Yup, I was just folding laundry and next thing I know I have two shots of pain meds on each side of my ass cheeks. So back to my appointment. I had to retake new x-rays, and even she said they were so bad that she is surprised I was denied. That could be some indication that I'm in bad shape. The doctor comes in, stares at the x-rays and my past MRI's. Looks at me and with a somber face, he says we need new MRI's....and a new serious plan of action because the spinal bones are way too close to each other. My discs are pretty much all gone. I walk away from the office, lifeless. I have no real expression on my face. I'm speechless. I get to my car, close my door, and just start crying. Just as I am now, typing out this blog. This cannot be fair. I'm 27 years old, in major pain 24/7, I barely get any sleep, I'm a full time student, a full time single mother and my son's sperm donor barely gives us money every month. Not enough sustain our lives or pay all my doctor bills. How am I going to find a job now? How will I be able to sit in class without having to get up and walk around just to take away some of the pain? How can I play all those games with my son that any other parent can play with their child. He tries to understand that I am in pain and need to lay down, take meds, and put on my heating pad, but he still begs me to play with him. I do as much as I can, but the whole time I am screaming inside myself from the pain. How can this be fair? Just typing this is giving me a hard time. I was scared about getting surgery, but I'm more afraid of never having surgery. I know I don't deserve this, as many people in the world do not deserve whatever they are going through, but why me? Why can't I be there for my mother, my son, myself in the way I should be. How can I find a job and pay for my doctor bills? How can I play with my son the way he wants to play? How can I concentrate in school and get good grades? How can I live with this pain for the rest of my life? Pills, epidurals, MRI's. CatScans, blood work, etc. What am I going to do? How can I keep going? My son is the reason why I keep going, but how much longer can I do it before the smile on my face quickly becomes screams of horror??
