I've been dealing with an ongoing issue since my ex-husband abandoned my son. I don't care that he left me, since I was very unhappy being with him, but the fact that he just up and left back to the east coast without saying goodbye to his flesh and blood just pisses me off. The first time he abandoned him, my son was only a year old and didn't understand what was going on, but now, he's 4 years old and he knows more then anyone thinks. Sometimes I think he is too smart for his own good.
This is a very touchy subject for me since it has to do with my son and his well being. As I am typing this, I am forced to relive every moment and cannot help but have tears roll down my cheeks.
A few weeks ago my son's teacher called me during school hours and of course I panicked. She explained to me that she is very worried about his emotional and psychological state because he confessed to her several times that his father left him. She called because this time he refused to participate in class and cried when he told her about his father. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I even thought she might assume that I am a horrible mother. I explained to her the situation with his father. That he built a relationship with him for 6 months and just left. I also told her that I am trying everything I can to ease my son's pain by telling him that his father had to leave to help his mother and look for a job so he can send us money. Of course, that is all a lie, but my son is much too young to understand what really has and is happening. Plus, he doesn't need to feel like his father might not love him. I thought this wasn't an issue since my son hasn't talked to me about it, but I guess I was wrong. His teacher offered to put in a request to provide a type of therapy courtesy of the school district. She said they will go to the classroom, observe him, give the teacher helpful tools to help him surpass this obstacle and then they would come to our home and help me help my son. I agreed to this proposition. Not only for the sake of my son's grief, but also to provide the courts prove of what his father has done to him if he ever wants to fight custody.
The reason I feel as a horrible mother is because as a mother/parent, we do everything possible to protect our children and yet, I could not protect him from the worst monster....his father. Not only that, but I had let him talk to him on the phone prior to this mess. I thought if his father wanted to talk to him and keep some communication open, then that might ease my son's pain. I guess I was wrong. I hate myself for that now.
So since that incident, I haven't noticed it bothering my son any longer. In fact, his teacher wrote a note saying that he was a happy kid again. He even showed the class how to shuffle and kept singing, "Every day I'm shuffling..." Haha, only my son! That's the kid I know. I figured he will be fine, but still wanted to go ahead with therapy.
There were a few times while waiting to get in class that my son would say to me, "So and so (not going to put names), has a dad....." and "look his dad is here with him". Again, I had to remind him his father left for good reason.
This past Friday his teacher called me very concerned. My son refused to participate in any activity and was even acting out. He told his two teachers that he misses his father and wants him back home. She told me to go over right away and I did. She told me what happened that day, and I saw for myself that he wasn't acting like the good little boy I know he is. He was throwing books and even starting fights. That's not my son. He is a gentle and friendly boy. I was horrified and it broke my heart. This is very hard to blog about. I am trying hard not to cry, but failing miserably. The teacher told me she was going to call and ask the therapist to please see him asap. I tried to tell her that I am trying everything I can to keep my son from hurting, but there is so much I can do.....and I almost lost it, but recovered quickly because I didn't want to frighten my son or any other child. At that moment I really felt as if I failed my son. I felt like the worst mother ever. This is a problem I cannot fix on my own and felt helpless. My poor baby is suffering and I couldn't make him feel better by putting a Cars band aid on his booboo. How can I put a band aid on his heart?
I took him home early. The whole ride home was unbearable. I tried not to cry, and he was quiet. When we got him all he wanted to do was to be held by me. I sat down with him and my mom and explained once again that his father had to leave to help his mom and find a job to help us out. I reminded him that his father loves him very much, and one day he will feel better. At that moment my niece came out to play and he joined her. My mom and I stayed talking. She didn't help much. She blamed me for his pain. Said that I don't take him out enough to keep him busy, therefore not letting him dwell on the bad thoughts. Wow. Seriously? I do everything I can to have mommy and son time. I cannot take him out all the time because I am always broke since my ex barely gives us enough money to pay for gas and some food every month. I'm broke as soon as I get the money. I make it up by other means. Movie nights, reading, playing, homework time, anything. He enjoys watching movies on Netflix and am more then happy to abide, since we both love the same movies. We spend most Saturdays watching movies, make popcorn, lunch, dinner and more movies. He loves it. If he didn't, he would say so. Sundays we go out to help my mom at the swap meet. He loves that too. We go on walks and even let him pick out anything he wants as long as it is on our budget. He also loves helping my mom out. So, why does my own mother think that I am doing things wrong and ruining his life? Why am I a bad mother according to her? I'm already beating myself up over this and her words are only twisting the knife in my heart. I thought she would be supporting me and not putting me down. If she thinks I'm a bad mom, and I think I'm a bad mom....then maybe I am.....maybe I'm doing everything wrong. What am I suppose to do now?
My son had a good day today in school though. The teacher told me he participated in all the activities and was back to his normal self, but for how long until the next break down? Now I cringe every time I drop him off at school just to think he might have another episode. Is he ok? Is he hurting? What if he does this often, then how can I keep taking him to school?
How do I fix this? How do I keep my baby from hurting?? I feel lost and helpless. I don't know what to do or say anymore. All I can do now is put on a happy face and make him feel special every single second. I remind him how much I love him and how much everyone he knows loves him. I name every single person so he knows we all love him and will never ever leave him.
I know that seeing other kids with their fathers is a factor in all this. I also know that by not having that adult male role model is hindering his ability to trust any older males. His uncle that lives in this house pays little to no attention to him. He's lucky to even get a hello. My mother and I have talked to him about it. He is the only adult male around to help him, but it seems as if he too doesn't care. My uncle loves my son very much, but he cannot always be around and it's simply not the same. My father is incredibly frustrated that he cannot be here to help him. He knows that if he was here, my son would not be going through this problem, well at least not to this extent.
I kicked my ex out of the house, and wanted our marriage to end, but never from our son's life. When I talked to him about this situation, he was quick to blame me. He had the option to stay. I told him from the beginning to stay for him. It was his decision to leave. Not mine.
So now what do I do? How can I stop my son's hurting? I feel completely helpless. I don't know what to do anymore and I know I failed my baby. I couldn't protect him from his father's issues. Any advice? All are welcomed. I'm lost and could use the help. Thanks for reading my rant. I truly needed to vent.
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