Although it's been over 10 yrs since being diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety, I still have an issue coming to terms that I will forever be on medication. It's easier for me to accept it when I'm on my medication and stable. As a matter of fact, I've been doing so well on my new "cocktail" that I haven't had the need to take anti-anxiety meds in over a month. Yeah, I was quite proud of myself.
It didn't last long.
If you've read my older posts, you'd know that my ex-husband failed to pay our insurance to keep Prime and so now I must pay larger co-pay amounts that I simply cannot afford. I haven't been able to see my psychiatrist, but it wasn't an issue until this past week and I finally ran out of my medication. (I've also ran out of my pain meds.) As you can imagine, I've been living each day on the brink of losing my mind. I was doing ok enough to think I might be able to last till this coming week, but today was my breaking point. All the stress, the frustration from my back pain and just everyday life finally broke me.
Of course it had to be my MS Access homework to send me over the edge! I felt myself losing it. I wanted to cry, yell, scream, pull my hair, drop to my knees. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't? I'm still struggling.
It is so crazy to know that I cannot function properly if I am not on medication. It's scary. It makes me feel almost nonhuman. I've always known the importance of my medication, but I've always questioned it. It's just not fair. What made this worse is my back pain. I'm out of those medications too, and the pain has been unbearable.
Funny, I just keep on smiling and pretend like nothing is wrong to people around me. Finally told my mom that I have been out of meds for the past week. She was upset. I would be too, but I didn't do it on purpose. I'd rather be stable and on meds then off meds and unstable. Feeling like this is not ok. I feel trapped within myself, about to lose all sanity I have left.
It's so sad.
I can't even do my homework.
I'm slowly losing my mind...
1 comment:
Please please please don't lose faith. I know it's harder to accept what you need when you need it, but it's clear you understand how important the meds are. Bipolar, anxiety, and depression are VERY familiar to me, I know exactly how you feel there. It's medicine, not because you're less of a person, but because you're sick. Whatever you have to do, do it. For you and your kid. Talk to your psychiatrist, maybe there's another option. Different pharmacies have different co-pays. Don't give up, I'm here for you, absolutely anything you need <3
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